For the record, I didn't miss a blog post yesterday. Some of you may have gotten the chance to read it, but I decided to take it down because it was a little too personal and it's not necessarily a side of myself that I want to share with the internet. That's the rough thing about blogging every day for me. If I don't come up with something to write about by the end of the day, then I'm stuck talking about my feelings--and to be honest, I'm a little bit of a Debbie Downer at night. So that's where yesterday's post came from.
Basically what happened was that last night my mom made a passing comment about how my shirt looked a little tight, and I blew it out of proportion through a combination of PMS and nighttime angst. I was really really mad at her, and I was really mad at like the entire world (which is a personal side effect of PMS I'm serious). I cried for like an hour...like gross ugly crying. And I went to bed pissed off, and woke up pissed off, and everything that happened from like 11 PM yesterday until noon today was fueling all the negative energy I was feeling. I spent another hour doing some more ugly crying after my mom called to have a normal conversation with me--not knowing that I was pissed of because you know, I hadn't told her that I was pissed off. So noon rolled around and I wiped my face and got out of bed and decided to suck it up and be a real person.
I won't say that I'm in a great mood now, but I think leaving the house and doing something that didn't involve touch screens was pretty good for my psyche. I wound up going to the mall to get some jeans and teaching clothes. I spent a decent amount of time at the mall, and didn't leave empty handed, but didn't wind up finding a ton. Forever 21 is a particularly frustrating environment for me, because I have a considerable amount of credit towards that store from gift cards and returns and stuff, but I literally can not find anything that I like. Part of my annoyance is pointed towards the fact that NO, I DO NOT WANT MY SKIRT TO BE A PARTY IN THE FRONT AND PROM IN THE BACK (high/low skirts are the mullets of fashion. THERE, I SAID IT. COME AT ME), and the other half of my annoyance is just at junior's clothing in general. Which is dumb, because I used to fit in junior's clothing at a point in my life and as much as I want to believe that I am still a junior I am most certainly NOT junior sized, and probably never will be no matter how much weight I lose. Plus, I don't know if I want to wear junior's clothing anymore. Tasteful florals I can handle. Huge watercolor roses and tribal prints? Maybe not.
(Though lets be honest I'm really pushing it with the florals here. Whatever, it's my thing)
It turns out that at certain point in your life, you have to start shopping at stores that carry more specific sizes than just S, M, and L. So I did that, and wound up actually buying stuff that a.) fit and b.) were like tasteful and appropriate for teaching. My preferred method of choosing outfits is to ask myself "is this appropriate to teach in?" and then swapping the pants/skirt for jeans. Unless I'm going into a classroom, then I'll keep the pants. Therefore, I'm all set in the wardrobe department!
I don't hold grudges. I get annoyed really easily and I can be a huge bitch about it, but as short as my temper is it's also short in lasting time. When I got home I couldn't bring myself to be mad at my mom, especially because she didn't know that I was being mad (although I did give her a very clipped 'I'M FINE' on the phone when she asked if I was okay). We wound up going back out to do more shopping, and even though I wound up only buying one thing, it wasn't because I could only find one thing that fit, but because I only actually liked one of the things that I tried on. I know that I'm not the only person that this has happened to, but to the people out there who have never had the experience of only finding one thing that fit and feeling lukewarm about it, don't take the fact that lots of clothes fit you for granted. Shopping isn't really a self esteem booster for me, but getting to choose an item of clothing that I actually like out of a selection of other ones that fit is maybe one of my favorite parts of shopping in stores-with-clothes-that-come-in-more-sizes-than-just-S-M-L. And while my mom isn't really my go-to for when I'm feeling down about body image and stuff, it was nice to spend time with her.
It was so nice, apparently, that I agreed to go outlet shopping with her tomorrow. I must be nuts.
Anyways, moral of the story: if you're feeling super down about yourself and you end up writing a really angsty blog post available for the whole internet to see, maybe hold off on publishing that post because you'll probably feel better in like a day then feel super ridiculous for writing it in the first place.
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