Blog Every Day in January: What's Ahead

HAPPY LAST DAY OF BLOG EVERY DAY IN JANUARY!!!

Yeah, so this was like probably the most underwhelming daily blogging experience that exists on the internet. I talked about it before, but this past month has just been super blah. Blame it on the cold? I think I started out pretty strong but as the month went on and my anxiety grew, I started feeling less willing to blog about real things. I don't know why that is. I've always wanted to be the kind of person that can share really serious things with people, but when I start actually thinking about those serious things--such as my insecurities and anxieties and even general opinions about the world--I kind of pull back and try to find anything else to talk about. Which is super hard when you're under pressure. Even the things that happened to me on a daily basis were weighing so heavily on my mind--mostly because they were all related to student teaching--and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about them.

I'm trying to think about how I could have made this a more productive experience for myself. I'm proud that I stayed with it til the end, because I could have easily just been like I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT LETS TRY THIS AGAIN SOME TIME. But I guess like I felt like I owed it to myself to finish what I started? This blog isn't something I'm ready to give up on. When I'm really feeling like myself, I find this such a positive outlet to talk about my life. I want to still be able to use this blog as a way to reflect and share, especially over the next couple of months. But I have a tendency to drop blogging when I get busy, which is natural, but not something I want to do.

It's not just blogging, either. I feel like I've been pulling back in all areas of my life, and part of it is because I am freaking out about the future. I'm about to enter my last semester of college, and I won't even be taking classes. I'll be teaching them. I feel so unprepared, and even worse I feel unprepared for the rest of my life. A big part of me wants to drop out and hide under my covers and never do anything in life. Another part of me is afraid that after I graduate, I will actually end up doing nothing--no job, no social life, etc. A year ago I was ready to face these kinds of challenges head on...probably because they were a year away and I was all talk no show.

I know that I'm not the only person who feels this way, and I've seen what happens after college just through watching my sister and some of her friends go through it. There are lots of different things that happen after college, but I do get a say in some of them. Sort of. I'm purposely putting myself in a situation where I have a lot of support from friends and family after graduation. I'm not actually being thrown out into the unknown where I'll be all alone. So then why do I feel so much anxiety?

I'm really big on anticipation. I like to know what's going on in the near future and the far future. As it turns out, my anticipated far future is now my near future, and it has a brief outline but it is nowhere near planned out. Hopefully I'll be able to accept that, and keep it from holding me back. This is not the time for me to hold back--this is the time where I have to break out of my shell and do something that I might not be good at, so that one day I can be good at it.

My plan was to go back to my regularly scheduled Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday blog post. I don't want to take on too much, so I'm not going to hold myself to a schedule that rigid. Two times a week, minimum. I think that's realistic.

Wish me luck.

Blog Every Day in January Day 25: Catching Up

So I think I've put off writing a real entry long enough for things to actually happen...meaning this post will actually have real content!!!!

Wow!!!!!

I'm just going to do this in bullet points, because it's been so long since I've written a real post here that I have literally forgotten how to string together paragraphs. *Shrugs*

• In reference to Thursday's post in which I was blogging from the living room couch in my apartment at school, it turns out that in my room at school, the corner where I sleep has mold growing on the wall. No telling what kind of mold it could be, but it's probably not the kind I should be sleeping next to. Feels good, man. Feels good to be paying rent on an apartment where I literally can not sleep in my own bed for fear that I'll wake up with mold poisoning.
  
• Yesterday I went into the high school where I'm student teaching to observe, and I actually am getting pretty pumped to start!! I've talked about this before, but I'm slowly starting to gain back my motivation as this winter break comes to a close. There's still a bunch of stuff I need to do but I feel a whole lot less overwhelmed by it. I mean...I am still anxious and afraid that I'm just going to be the worst student teacher ever...but I think I've gone into survival mode where it's like OKAY NO TURNING BACK MELANIE JUST GO IN THERE AND STUDENT TEACH LIKE ITS YOUR JOB WHICH IT KIND OF IS ITS LIKE A FULL TIME JOB ONLY YOU'RE PAYING TUITION TO DO IT.
  
• Side note: I have really not been feeling like myself lately! I was talking to one of my roommates about it the other day about how I think I've been having like a bit of seasonal depression. I've really been struggling with blogging every day this month, and with getting myself prepared for student teaching. I also feel like I didn't put much effort into socializing over the holidays, which is so not like me. Maybe it's this crazy weather we're having, or maybe I'm just freaking out over big transitions in my life that are about to happen/are coming up in the near future. Or maybe it's a combination of the two. Regardless, I've been trying to pull myself out of this funk all break and it's been happening--albeit rather slowly. Maybe I just need to see the sun again. IT'S BEEN SO LONG.
  
• I made this flourless chocolate cake as a gluten-free dessert option for a dinner party I went to yesterday, and even though I majorly effed up the recipe due to lack of the proper tools, it was SO GOOD. It was basically like a chocolate truffle in cake form...but it was so rich that only like a sixth of the cake was left and now I have a giant wheel of chocolate sitting in my fridge. Such is life.
  
• The pictures I posted in yesterday's entry was from the same dinner party with the chocolate cake! I actually posted those pictures really quickly while I was at the party, knowing I wouldn't want to write a post when I got home because it was already getting late and I knew I would be too tired. It was super fun, and it felt nice to be social again! Also I gave maybe the worst speech of my life...but also maybe the best speech of my life? I don't know, I guess it depends on how much alcohol you've consumed to determine whether it was good or bad.
  
• I'M GOING TO FRANCE THIS SUMMER!! And potentially other places, but those aren't set in stone and I'm not about to jinx it. But yeah, it's been in the works for a while and I officially found out on Thursday. I am SO PUMPED. I have a feeling that I'll just been talking about it ad nauseum for the next five months, so prepare yourself for that. I CAN'T FREAKING WAITTTT.

I don't remember how to end blog posts. Is this how you end them?? Do I just hit publish now???

Blog Every Day in January Day 21: Still Preparing

I've been stuck inside this house all day from the snow, and I tend to stay primarily in just my bedroom when my parents are home...because I am still sixteen years old, apparently. Nonetheless, I have MAJOR cabin fever right now, which is only worsening my anxiety over my quickly approaching start date for student teaching.

It's not that I'm dreading student teaching, I'm actually looking forward to it a lot...but the anticipation of doing something that I've never done before has been basically the only thing I can think about since....well since the end of last semester. It's easy to try and over-plan and over-anticipate things like that, and I know that when I actually start I'll be hit with things that I somehow didn't manage to think about and will feel super unprepared for. I did the same thing to myself right before I started my freshman year of college, and I would find myself unable to sleep on nights before the first day of school every year of like my entire life just trying to imagine how everything will go. My go-to answer during interviews when they ask the question "what is your biggest flaw" is usually "I over-prepare", because a) it's a sneaky way of complimenting myself when I'm supposed to be criticizing myself but b.) because I've actually had to learn how to anticipate my plans going awry and just go with the flow despite the urge to stick with my already-failed-plan-of-action.

That being said, I know that there are little things that I can do to mentally prepare myself for the physical process of going to school. In the next couple of weeks I would really like to:

-Get my sleeping schedule to a realistic place. Lately, I've been going to bed later and later every night and waking up later and later every day. Considering the fact that I'm going to have to leave my apartment by 6:30 in the morning, and my morning routine is like an hour long, I know I need to at least have a realistic bed time. Eight hours of sleep a night is maybe a little ambitious, but six should be reasonable if I can get it together.

-CLEAN MY FREAKING ROOM. And everything that surrounds that chore. I have like a three page long list of things I need to organize within my hot mess of a room at school, and I could also afford to do some extra tidying and dusting in the room I currently live in. I was planning on spending all of Thursday at school just binge-cleaning, but it is still too soon to see if the snow has de-railed those plans. Fingers crossed I can get it done!

-Record some extra videos for Sisters, Not Twins, which I talked about doing yesterday. I've been thoroughly enjoying doing this channel, and it's important to me that I keep it up, but I also know that school comes first and when I get into survival mode everything but schoolwork falls to the wayside (which always happens--hence my month-long breaks from blogging). I don't want this channel to die a slow death, like this blog almost did, especially since it's not just my channel.

-Get in contact with some of the people who have student taught at my placements in the past. There are endless advantages to doing this, I just need to suck it up and get it done. I don't know why I get so much anxiety over writing messages/emails, but I really need to get over it because I'm just wasting time.

-ORGANIZE ORGANIZE ORGANIZE. Schedules and lists are going to be my best friends over the next couple of weeks. If I don't end up driving down to Delaware tomorrow, I might just end up having a list making session.


There's so much that I feel I need to do before student teaching, but I know it's going to be a really useful experience for me. I say this to my friends all the time, but I'm just excited to suck at teaching as soon as possible. Because I know for a FACT that I'm going to be at my worst for the first couple of years--teaching is one of those things that you keep getting better at the more you do it. I just want to get in the classroom and start doing things, instead of sitting here trying to imagine what it will be like.

Blog Every Day in January Day 20: Getting Ready for Student Teaching

We're twenty days into January and I can't believe that I've been derping around writing posts about candles and pizza cats, when I haven't written a single post about the thing I've been thinking about the most: student teaching.

I feel like I've spent the past month preparing for student teaching by...well...by shopping. Getting the clothes I need, the bag I need, the lunch boxes I need. All the things that yes, I do need, but honestly don't matter as much as the stuff that I've been putting off. I've spent the month feeling really scatterbrained in disorganized, and fully avoiding getting things together. It's not that I don't want to think about that stuff, it's just that I haven't really had an outlet to talk about it, and for me part of the process of getting myself into the right mindset for something new is to talk through it with as many people as possible. I've done a lot of explaining to people, and telling them about my placements and what I have to do, but I haven't had a lot of chances to talk to people about the things I'm genuinely nervous about and genuinely excited for.

Fortunately, there are people in my life that are there to ask me real questions about how I'm feeling, and offer advice or let me know that they are feeling the same. I had coffee with my friend Maggie the other day (she starts student teaching tomorrow!!) and talking to her about it was a really great reminder of what I'm about to do--especially because being at home away from school is an easy way for me to disconnect from responsibility, and she kind of brought me back to reality just by being there to talk about her own journey. I've also been preparing some videos for Sisters, Not Twins ahead of time to lighten the load while I student teach, and talking to Melissa about the videos led to the conversation of how worried I was about the workload. She and our friend Lindsay (who has been through student teaching herself) helped me talk through how I'm going to stay on top of my work, and gave me some good advice on keeping up with my portfolio and reminding me to focus on what I will gain from the experience.

So despite all of my anxiety, I've had a lot of support right underneath my nose that I was just not looking towards. My friends at school who are actually about to go through the exact same thing as me are people I've always looked to for advice and support, but there are also friends and family at home who are willing to listen and share. 

Okay, I think this train of thought is going to take more than one entry to cover, so I'm going to end it here and say that tomorrow I will be posting something of a to-do list for myself. I also want to like...actually talk about what I'm excited for and nervous about.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

Blog Every Day in January Day 17 (+16): Recovering

For the record, I didn't miss a blog post yesterday. Some of you may have gotten the chance to read it, but I decided to take it down because it was a little too personal and it's not necessarily a side of myself that I want to share with the internet. That's the rough thing about blogging every day for me. If I don't come up with something to write about by the end of the day, then I'm stuck talking about my feelings--and to be honest, I'm a little bit of a Debbie Downer at night. So that's where yesterday's post came from.

Basically what happened was that last night my mom made a passing comment about how my shirt looked a little tight, and I blew it out of proportion through a combination of PMS and nighttime angst. I was really really mad at her, and I was really mad at like the entire world (which is a personal side effect of PMS I'm serious). I cried for like an hour...like gross ugly crying. And I went to bed pissed off, and woke up pissed off, and everything that happened from like 11 PM yesterday until noon today was fueling all the negative energy I was feeling. I spent another hour doing some more ugly crying after my mom called to have a normal conversation with me--not knowing that I was pissed of because you know, I hadn't told her that I was pissed off. So noon rolled around and I wiped my face and got out of bed and decided to suck it up and be a real person.

I won't say that I'm in a great mood now, but I think leaving the house and doing something that didn't involve touch screens was pretty good for my psyche. I wound up going to the mall to get some jeans and teaching clothes. I spent a decent amount of time at the mall, and didn't leave empty handed, but didn't wind up finding a ton. Forever 21 is a particularly frustrating environment for me, because I have a considerable amount of credit towards that store from gift cards and returns and stuff, but I literally can not find anything that I like. Part of my annoyance is pointed towards the fact that NO, I DO NOT WANT MY SKIRT TO BE A PARTY IN THE FRONT AND PROM IN THE BACK (high/low skirts are the mullets of fashion. THERE, I SAID IT. COME AT ME), and the other half of my annoyance is just at junior's clothing in general. Which is dumb, because I used to fit in junior's clothing at a point in my life and as much as I want to believe that I am still a junior I am most certainly NOT junior sized, and probably never will be no matter how much weight I lose. Plus, I don't know if I want to wear junior's clothing anymore. Tasteful florals I can handle. Huge watercolor roses and tribal prints? Maybe not.

(Though lets be honest I'm really pushing it with the florals here. Whatever, it's my thing)

It turns out that at certain point in your life, you have to start shopping at stores that carry more specific sizes than just S, M, and L. So I did that, and wound up actually buying stuff that a.) fit and b.) were like tasteful and appropriate for teaching. My preferred method of choosing outfits is to ask myself "is this appropriate to teach in?" and then swapping the pants/skirt for jeans. Unless I'm going into a classroom, then I'll keep the pants. Therefore, I'm all set in the wardrobe department!

I don't hold grudges. I get annoyed really easily and I can be a huge bitch about it, but as short as my temper is it's also short in lasting time. When I got home I couldn't bring myself to be mad at my mom, especially because she didn't know that I was being mad (although I did give her a very clipped 'I'M FINE' on the phone when she asked if I was okay). We wound up going back out to do more shopping, and even though I wound up only buying one thing, it wasn't because I could only find one thing that fit, but because I only actually liked one of the things that I tried on. I know that I'm not the only person that this has happened to, but to the people out there who have never had the experience of only finding one thing that fit and feeling lukewarm about it, don't take the fact that lots of clothes fit you for granted. Shopping isn't really a self esteem booster for me, but getting to choose an item of clothing that I actually like out of a selection of other ones that fit is maybe one of my favorite parts of shopping in stores-with-clothes-that-come-in-more-sizes-than-just-S-M-L. And while my mom isn't really my go-to for when I'm feeling down about body image and stuff, it was nice to spend time with her.

It was so nice, apparently, that I agreed to go outlet shopping with her tomorrow. I must be nuts.

Anyways, moral of the story: if you're feeling super down about yourself and you end up writing a really angsty blog post available for the whole internet to see, maybe hold off on publishing that post because you'll probably feel better in like a day then feel super ridiculous for writing it in the first place.

Blog Every Day in January Day 14: Getting Stuff Done

I had an amazingly productive day today! I went to visit the high school where I'm student teaching to have a meeting with my cooperating teacher, and I started the day off on a really positive note and I think I rode that wave all day long. And I have some things to show for it, too!

1.) I uploaded a new video onto the Sisters, Not Twins YouTube channel. I'm working on trying to make these videos a little more concise, and I think part of that process will be more planning ahead. I always get a little anxious as I watch the number next to the little thumbs up on Facebook, and the viewcount on the video page. But I've actually been enjoying the video-making aspect of this, and I like to see how many of my friends come out of the woodwork and tell me that they've been watching!




2.) I tackled another recipe! I tried the chicken and dumplings recipe that I mentioned in my post from last week, and it was SO SO SO good. The texture was very stew-like and hearty, and even though it was SUPER filling I still went back for seconds. And I shared with friends, because the recipe made a MASSIVE pot of soup. The only thing I changed was that I cut up some carrots, onions, and celery and sautéed them in the butter before adding the chicken broth. I think next time I'll season it a little more heavily, since there was so much flour in the recipe that it wound up being a little bland.

SO MUCH SOUP 

Dumplings are the key to a girls' heart

3.) It took some time, but I finally got to the bottom of a long list of emails I've been avoiding responding to. Well, the list never really started out that long, but as I crossed items off more items would pop up. As of right now, there are NO MORE ITEMS.

4) Speaking of emails I had been avoiding, I also emailed my nutritionist. #babysteps

PROOF THAT I DID IT

Aaaand as per usual, I have written this entry at the very end of the day. Did I already use the hashtag #babysteps? It still applies.

Blog Every Day in January Day 13: Uhhhh

Soooo I was originally going to write a post about making the Cheesy Zucchini Rice from my post about recipes that I wanted to try, but I forgot to take pictures before, during, and after. And today was pretty unproductive and unexciting, so I'm struggling a little bit to find a topic for this post.

...

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

1.) The rice turned out well, I guess. I decided to add onions and garlic to the rice while I was toasting it, and I also added chicken to it. It was a little on the soupy side, since I added too much milk at the end...and also the rice was a little undercook because I have yet to master cooking rice without a rice-cooker #asianprobz?

2.) I got an email from my nutritionist asking how I'm doing, the answer being that I have been avoiding all things health and fitness related SO THAT'S GOOD. I know I have to deal with it, but I think I will deal with it in the morning.

3.) No really I will actually deal with it in the morning, I actually have somewhere to go tomorrow which means that I will have a structured schedule for once.

4.) I find it a little concerning that I struggle to do anything at all on days where I don't have a specific place to be. Does anyone else have this issue??

5.) I'm currently at school, and my room here is an actual disaster. I haven't actually tidied my desk area or dusted any of my personal furniture in like months and I can't believe I'm just letting it sit that way. I'M LIVING IN A DEN OF FILTH.

6.) Has anyone tried Cookie Butter? I tried it when I was in New York last week and it was redonkulous, and then I found the Biscoff version at my grocery store. THIS MAY BE PART OF THE REASON WHY I AM AVOIDING MY NUTRITIONIST.

Okay, Melanie. This is further proof that you should not wait until the very end of the day to write a blog post.

Blog Every Day in January Day 9: RIDING THE TRAIN WITH MY BIG GIRL PANTS

My current source of anxiety is currently this trip that I'm taking to New York tomorrow for a class I took last semester. As much as I enjoy having alone time, the idea of navigating to and through an area that I'm not particularly familiar with by myself just does not sound like something that I personally can realistically do. Which is a little ridiculous, because I know a lot of people that would totally thrive in that situation and I just don't understand how you do that. Like how do you just show up in New York City fresh off a greyhound bus and start walking around like you own the place and taking the subway like its no big deal?? I am one hundred percent sure that I will be walking with my phone in my face trying to understand the googlemaps app while bumping into every disgruntled New Yorker (I imagine all New Yorkers are at least a little disgruntled--right?? RIGHT?? DO I FIT IN YET???).

Fortunately my friend Alexis, who is a beautiful peach blossom that blooms early in the morning while the sun slowly rises, has agreed to come with me. It's actually a pretty exciting trip, and we're seeing some cool exhibits at the MoMA and watching performances and stuff, which is like the whole reason why Alexis agreed to come, but I've had very little information and very little time to plan. Which would drive me nuts enough if I was in like Newark, Delaware or Cherry Hill, New Jersey, but having to semi wing it in NYC has given me ulcers I'M SURE OF IT. While I'm glad I won't be alone in this EXERCISE IN IMPROVISATION (ALEXIS YOU SMELL LIKE KITTENS THAT BATHED IN RAINBOWS), I am also a little nervous that I will somehow mess something up so badly that I will end up stranded in New York with no shoes and teeth missing. My imagination sometimes runs wild.

OKAY YEAH SO THAT'S IT FOR TODAY'S ENTRY! I don't actually know if I'll manage to get a post up tomorrow...I would consider live blogging, but I want to make sure my phone has as much batter as possible lest I accidentally wake up in a ditch on the outskirts of Manhattan. Does that happen to anyone? Do those things get reported??

Let me know if you have had any similar experiences in travel-related anxiety! Ooh remind me to tell you about the time I took the train into Philly by myself and walked past the same homeless man three times trying to figure out which direction to walk. Seriously, who am I??

Blog Every Day in January Day 6: Moving Forward--New Vlog Channel!

So despite yesterday's emo-style entry, the world didn't crumble around me and I didn't die under the weight of all my insecurities. I was in the midst of working on a project that I'm going to share with you today, and my fears took over and manifested themselves as negativity towards all aspects of my life. Winter break is so long, and I often lose perspective when I have so much free time. During the school year when I'm busy, I don't get as much time to think about how nervous I am about putting myself out there. I mean...I do think about it, but I don't spend like ALL DAY thinking about it. So I'm pushing back negative thoughts, and moving forward.

Anyways, onto the new project!

MY SISTER AND I STARTED A BEAUTY VLOG!





We've been talking about doing this for like...months, and it's something we're both really excited about. We finally just bit the bullet and did it!!

I've been really nervous about starting this channel for a whole variety of reasons. First of all, I'm always cautious about what I put out via social media due to the profession I have chosen to pursue. Being a teacher is tough, because you have to filter how much of your personal life you share, and as technology and social media develop, it gets harder and harder to maintain that filter. You could easily google my name and find this blog, and as this channel grows, there will be more and more stuff of me on the internet that I don't necessarily want to share with the (hypothetical) students that I'm trying to teach music to (hopefully). How does this affect my ability to represent myself as an authority figure? Can I expect this to affect my chances with gaining employment? I just like to be extra cautious, especially because everyone I've ever talked to in the education world likes to remind me how important it is to be professional in the classroom and on the internet.

I've also been really nervous about what other people would think of me for doing this channel, and treating myself as an authority towards all things beauty related. Which I am not. On one side of this fear, there are people out there that are frequently more put together than me and/or know more about makeup than I do. Are they judging me, or waiting for me to mess up? On the other side, I know there are people out there that probably think that this is a stupid topic to contribute to. Will they start to think that I'm superficial and vain?

NOT TO MENTION the fact that I'm so scared that this channel just won't take off, and I'll be creating all this content and putting in all of this hard work for approximately four viewers. That is probably my biggest fear, and it extends to this blog and all other aspects of my life. What is the point of creating content, and writing blog posts, and singing songs, if no one is there to consume them?


I've spent enough time with these fears and insecurities to know that the solution is to do these things for me, to make myself happy. And I really am a firm believer that in order to make others happy you have to be happy yourself. So I'm going to keep posting, and keep vlogging, and keep doing whatever else I'm doing. Even if none of this is ever seen, I know I'll feel really good about the fact that I wanted to do something, and I did it. That's really hard! A lot of people stop at the wanting part, but I managed to take it to the doing part. And I'm proud of myself. So yeah, maybe beauty vlogs aren't for everyone, and maybe these entries are only read by like six people. But I wanted to do them, and I did them, and I'm a better person for it.

Blog Every Day in January Day 5: Sundays

I was really tempted to skip today's blog entry because "Sunday is the day of rest". AKA I didn't have anything to write about. But it's only like...January 5th, and I don't want to start flaking out on my New Years Resolutions so early. So I guess I'll just talk about why I didn't feel like writing a blog post? Is this any better than not writing at all???

1.) I AM TIRED. It's like 11:45 and the day is over in fifteen minutes and the idea of having to come up with a blog topic and then actually write about it seems overwhelming to say the least.

2.) I feel overwhelmed. It's only January 5th and I suddenly feel like time is flying by, and I don't have enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. Which is not true, I literally do nothing during my winter break.

But that's the thing, I have all this free time that I get wrapped up in the fact that I have so much free time, and I never actually do the things I planned on doing. I've been spending a lot of time socializing and stuff, which is fine, but I have some other things that I planned to do and it just feels like the clock is ticking for some reason.

3.) I've been really hesitant to start working towards some of my goals for the new year, because a lot of my goals are things I've achieved before and then neglected and wound up back to square one. I forget how much effort it takes to maintain success once you reach it, and so I end up feeling like I've failed. And it's hard to feel motivated when you think you're just going to fail in the end. So I've been struggling with that.

4.) It's late and I'm tired and I'm irritated because it's late and I'm tired. I'm really not a nighttime person, ask anyone who has ever lived with me.


I don't know why I've been in such a funk lately, and I didn't really want to write a post about not feeling great. But I also didn't want to skip a day of blogging, because it would just be another thing to add to my list of "Things I Did Not Do". And I don't want that. Sooo yeah.

....I feel like I should promise to write like a YES THINGS ARE VERY GOOD I AM AN OPTIMIST post tomorrow, during the daytime. Because THIS IS ROUGH.

September in October: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Last month I wrote some posts about my health and fitness goals and my struggles with losing weight, and it has been about a month and a half since I've checked in with those. I've had a really good month and a half on the bandwagon, and I've been working really hard to stay on it!

I've lost 12 pounds in the past 7 weeks, which I'm really proud of! I haven't had any weeks where I've gained a pound or two yet, and I think that I might have set a record for myself. In the past, I would take two steps forward and one step backward and the progress would be made, but at snails pace. And if I'm being honest with myself, it's because I wasn't really committing to the idea of being healthy. I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm like Miss Health and Fitness right now or anything, but I'm starting to feel like I'm less of a lump than I was in the past. I actually pay attention to the amount of food that I'm putting in my body, and I'm making a conscious effort to be more active in everyday life. For me, the choices I was making were the things that needed the most repair.

So what makes this time any different from all those other times I've tried and failed? Why do I feel so strongly that I will finally get it right this time?? I think that this time around I'm actually being honest. Not just with my nutritionist, but with myself. I started this journey out under my mom's control. She was the one tracking all of my calories, and restricting my diet, and telling me what I could or could not eat. So I would sneak extra snacks and meals, and I would justify it by saying that I was sick of my mom controlling me. When college came around, I had to be the one responsible for tracking and meal planning, but I hadn't given up the old mindset. So essentially, I was cheating on my diet and lying to myself.

This time around, I'm being honest. I'm tracking everything even when I have a bad day, and I'm using that tool as an opportunity for reflection. The "all or nothing" mindset that came with stuffing my face before my mom came home is slowly going away, and I'm starting to pace myself and plan ahead so that I get to have everything I want without going overboard. And I think it's starting to show! I'm not really worried about losing weight rapidly, or meeting a certain deadline. Right now I'm just focusing on what I can do week to week, how I can reach my goals realistically, and how I can maintain this for life. Because like my nutritionist said, this isn't a diet. This is my health, and the way that I am going to sustain my lifestyle in the long term. There will be good days and bad days, and sometimes the scale won't give me numbers that I want. But ultimately I'm learning how to live with food without going crazy, and that's one of the most valuable things I've gained in the past month and a half and will continue to foster.

Preview: One Month in Seven Days

*rubs sleep out of eyes*
*stretches*
*yawns*
*falls asleep again*
*wakes up in panic realizing that I forgot something*

OH MY GOD IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE MY LAST BLOG POST.

I'm so ashamed. I don't even know how this happened.

Except I do know. I forgot to do one of my Thursday posts and somehow that gave me permission to miss my Sunday post and suddenly my blog no longer existed.

WELL IT ALL ENDS HERE. THE HIATUS IS OVER.

I will be posting over the next seven days (starting tomorrow, as in Monday October 14th) recapping all of the things I meant to post about in the past month but never did.

GET READY TOOO PAAARRRRTYYYYY

Startingggg TOMORROW.

My Weekend in Photos

I had a really busy weekend, but it was super fun and I am exhausted! I think if I get lucky, I might manage to go to bed before midnight tonight. I'll just let these pictures speak for themselves.

Juggling

I pack my schedule pretty tightly these days. Today looked like this:

5:30-8 AM: Wake up, get ready for the day, head to class.

8 AM-12 PM: Class

12-12:30 PM: Quick break for snack

12:30-1:45 PM: Class

1:45-3:10 PM: Make/eat lunch and take a breather before leaving for class

3:10-4:45 PM: Class (with time for walking over)

4:45-5 PM: Quick quick break

5-6:30 PM: Chorale officers meeting

6:30-6:45 PM: Gather things and head to main street

6:45-7:45 PM: Dinner with Maggie

7:45-9 PM: Zumba

Tuesdays and Thursdays are pretty devoid of free time for me, and it's days like these that make me feel really overwhelmed with the load I've taken on. I'm taking a full coarse-load this semester with a practicum placement, preparing for my senior recital, President of our student chapter of ACDA, secretary of Chorale, committee chair of SAI, AND I'm also trying to incorporate health and fitness into the mix. I feel like I'm constantly juggling a thousand things, and when I sit back and realize that I've only had like a couple of hours (or less) when I was occupied with an activity, it makes me wonder what I'm neglecting to make the rest of these things work.

For me, it has always been keeping in touch with people. One of the reasons I loved being home this summer was that I didn't have any responsibilities to keep up with, and I could just drop whatever I was doing (...which was nothing) to hang out with my sister, or Sarah, or my other friends. It was awesome and it reminded me just how much I love all those people. But since I've been back to school, I haven't had any sort of meaningful interaction with any of those people (except for my sister--probably just because I was at home, within a physical proximity). My friends like to joke that I always fall off the face of the Earth...but they're right. When my ambition makes me bite off more the I can chew, I sacrifice my ability to keep in touch with the world outside of UD.

I definitely feel like I'm taking it a day at a time, trying to remain relaxed and unstressed. The semester is only two weeks in, and I know things are going to eventually get crazy...but I'm already feeling like my days are tightly packed with activities. What else is going to suffer when I start getting more assignments? Will I lose all contact with the outside world? Will my parents forget the sound of my voice? Will I fall off the healthy living wagon again? Will my recital music fall to the wayside?

When I was around 9 years old, we went to Myrtle Beach and I decided to go boogie boarding by myself. I went out a little farther than I should have--especially because I don't know how to swim--and the waves pulled me out too far and under. I remember feeling panicked...but also trying not to panic. I was trying my best to do anything that wouldn't make the situation worse, all the while still gasping for air.

That's a lot how I feel right now with the load I've taken on. I'm doing my best to stay calm and not let the pressure from everything pull me under the water. I'm taking as many breaths as I can, whenever I get the chance. But in this situation, I can't wait for someone to realize that I'm in trouble and pull me out of the deep end. I need to save myself...and I don't know how to do that. I'm trying, and I know that it counts for something. I just hope that my best is enough.

The F Word

Last week I got back in the saddle, and I emailed my nutritionist at school to let her know that I would like to schedule an appointment.

At the end of Spring semester of 2012, I decided to take advantage of the student health center on campus and see the nutritionist on campus. There were only about three weeks left in the semester, but I figured better late than never. I made a lot of progress with her...I lost about eight pounds in three weeks, which is pretty impressive all things considered. I was in a time crunch to fit into my maid of honor dress for my sister's wedding, and I just barely made it (if you count getting the dress let out as far as it could go as "barely making it"). I spent the last half of summer eating my way through Europe and basically ignoring all the basic principles of a balanced diet.

I started last fall ready to begin anew with a clean slate, which was fine. I went back to the nutritionist and confessed my sins, and we moved on to make a lot of progress. I saw her for the whole semester, and felt really good about my eating habits and overall health. The only problem was, winter session was coming up, which meant almost two months without student health benefits. PLUS it was holiday season. PLUS PLUS my nutritionist was about to go on maternity leave for the entire spring semester. So I went into the holidays not really knowing how to handle things and completely derailed all of my progress. When winter session came along, I had fallen off of the wagon so hard that I wasn't even walking alongside the wagon. I fell off the wagon in the middle of the desert and started drawing pictures in the dirt and making friends with all the desert creatures. And since then I have been half-heartedly attempting to pick myself up off of the dirty desert floor.

I thought this time around I was too far gone, that I would be forever fat. And you know what...that's fine. I respect people that can do that, and feel totally comfortable in their skins being that way. I'm not even being facetious. I wish I didn't care so much about this health and fitness stuff. There are plenty of people in this world whose physical sizes are secondary to the size of their talent and character, so why can't I be one of them??

I already know the answer to that question. I have been taught ever since the time I was a chubby little toddler, that fat is failure. In my family, being overweight, and struggling with health and fitness has always been seen as a result of laziness and no motivation. I was so terrified to email my nutritionist and let her know that I was coming back because I fucked up. I didn't want her to be disappointed, and frankly I was a little embarrassed. Embarrassed of my failure.

When I finally built up the courage to email her, I almost cried tears of relief when I saw her response:

It's really easy to get stuck in your own head, and to project your own insecurities onto your expectations of others. No one is judging me harder than I am judging myself, and it had been a really long time since I'd acknowledged that.

One of the first things my nutritionist said to me at my appointment was that she was proud that I hadn't given up. And I'm definitely proud of myself for not giving up. I've been kind of faking my way through these health and fitness goals that I set last month, and honestly my heart wasn't in it. I wasn't committing to eating well and working out, and I definitely wasn't holding myself accountable. There are a couple of things that I needed to be reminded:

1.) Losing weight is really hard. No really...it is. There are shortcuts, but those aren't sustainable, and to develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle takes a lot of patience.

2.) The all-or-nothing approach doesn't work. At the beginning of this year, I stated that one of my goals was to find some balance in my life. Deciding to be super productive one day and then spend then next day lying on the couch watching Netflix for sixteen hours straight is not really ideal compared to spending every day being productive with time for leisurely activities. Same goes for food...I can't decide that OH I had a doughnut for breakfast, so now I'm going to spend the rest of the day eating shit. Life doesn't work that way.

3.) Eating shouldn't be mindless, and neither should anything else you do. I've always been really annoyed that losing weight required me to be obsessed with the food I eat...because how was that any different from being obsessed with unhealthy food? The only problem is, when I am not focusing on what to eat every day, then I'm just putting garbage into my body. What I've learned over the years is that it's not obsession, it's mindfulness. I'm mindful of all of the things I say and do when important schoolwork and friendships are involved, so why wouldn't I be mindful of my health and fitness? My body is just as important as the rest of myself.

I'm not a failure. And I'm not a lost cause. I'm just a work in progress.

Look out for an upcoming entry about checking in with my health and fitness goals from last month!

BACK TO SCHOOL: Anxiety Edition

So I am back at school, and things in my life are CERTAINLY more interesting in the past few days than they were at home. The semester hasn't officially started yet, but I'm already so so so busy. My friend, Aimee, and I had this idea to hold an event for all of the groups in the music department to socialize and recruit. It quickly turned into a larger-scale event than we originally anticipated, which is awesome, but also pretty stressful. At this point we've done most of the prep work, planning, and publicity, and all that's left is the setup...so I'm not necessarily anxious about that.  But...I'm super skeptical about the activity that I decided to provide for the ACDA table.

While we were in the process of planning, someone mentioned the idea of a dunk tank...and I really liked it, but we couldn't find a company with the right liability insurance to rent from. So I decided to set up a makeshift dunk tank station (name still pending), and I'm going to stand in a kiddie pool while people throw wet sponges at me.

.......it's pretty college.

I originally thought this would be hilarious and super fun, but now I'm starting to second guess myself. I keep having these fantasies of people walking right past the thing and looking at me like I'm a crazy person, or people openly telling me how lame the idea was, or people pelting sponges at me while I cry in the fetal position. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING.

I asked some professors if they would be interested in participating...but so far I have been met with the sound of crickets, and I DON'T BLAME THEM. There's no way to make "PLEASE GET HIT WITH WET SPONGES!" sound fun or glamourous. I'm worried that I should have gone for water balloons, but I didn't want to deal with the intense setup or the litter that water balloons create. I'm also worried that people will somehow think of me as the FAKE DUNK TANK LOSER GIRL for the rest of the year.

I know the feeling, kitty,

As stressed out as I am, I'm actually really excited about this event! I think we've done a really good job with the planning, especially considering all of the restrictions that come with hosting an event on campus. Hopefully everyone will appreciate all of the work we put in!

Paint by Numbers

It's technically still Thursday on the West Coast!  I DON'T OWE YOU PEOPLE ANY EXPLANATIONS.

All summer my friends and I have been dying to go paint pottery and drink sangria.  This summer has been kind of weird and disjointed for all of us because we all had real things going on--jobs, internships, study abroad trips, and all that other good stuff.  So find a date when we could all get together and do these two things that everyone wanted to participate in was tough.  We never really found the perfect date, but we managed to fit the two events into one pottery-painting-sangria extravaganza.

All Fired Up in Collingswood has these things called "Diva Night" which is basically like a wine and cheese hour with pottery painting.  Since none of us could go to the actual scheduled Diva Night this summer, we opted to go tonight and make our own Diva Night and bring a bottle of sangria and some cheese and crackers with us.

Ahhh yess.  Pre-made sangria, ritz crackers, and sliced colby.
A feast fit for true queens.

They set us up in the party room, since we had called ahead.

Party room, indeed,

We picked out our pieces and got to work!

My friends are pretty focused painters.

I opted to paint a mug, since the last mug I painted with my friends got knocked over while I was dying of strep throat.  I also picked this cute little bowl, because I like bowls.  I don't know why...I just...I just love bowls, OKAY??

Yummyyyy

My friend Brooke always uses really cool techniques when we go to paint pottery.  This time she did this technique where you blow into some watered down paint with a straw, and it creates bubbles.  You place your item on top of the bubbles to transfer, and after they pop this is what it looks like:

Isn't that so cool??

HOOT HOOT.  Cute cute!

Naomi was skeptical about her artistic abilities, but she managed to make this adorable owl plate using a stamp!

Meredith, Amanda, and Naomi were all pleased with their finished products.  Meredith went with stamps and sponges, and Amanda got creative and did some fun color blending.

Meredith clearly has no sympathies for Tori.

Tori agonized for a really long time over what to do with hers.  She worked down to the wire!  In the end she wound up with a really awesome bowl...

Definitely worth the stress!  I think this was one of my favorite pieces from the night.

For the mug, I made it pretty similar to the one that broke.  It's not my best work, but it definitely represents my usual level of artistic talents.

I tried to do something a little more ambitious with the bowl....

I mean, I wouldn't sell it at a craft fair or anything, but I'm pretty proud of it!

After we finished up at All Fired Up, we headed back to Amanda's house for sangria night.

I made this white peach and berry sangria that was so so so delicious.  I am a sucker for white wine.  And white sangria is basically just juice.  Delish!

Amanda and her mom made some red sangria.
Very strong, and very delicious!

Tori wanted to improve my picture.

Fun squiggly wine glasses!!

h0tt1eZ

Those apple slices were deadly!!

We asked Amanda's dad to take a picture of us, and he left us with this hilariously bad photo.  Before we could even ask him to retake it, he was out the door!

He even told us that "it looked great"

We asked Amanda's mom to take another picture for us later in the night.  This one turned out much better!

Except for Meredith.

I'm at the tail end of summer, and I feel pretty good about it.  I was really productive all summer, and I spent time with friends from home and family.  I still have a few more things to look forward to, but if I had to end my summer here I would have no regrets!

Blog Every Day in July: Day 30, July Favorites

CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE THE MONTH OF JULY IS ALMOST OVER??  I'm freaking out a little bit about having to go be a senior in college, but other than that this month has been pretty good to me.  I had a jam packed day because I was running around getting things for my dad's birthday, which was today, so my brain is a little fried.  I figured that since the month is almost up, I'd share some of the things that I used a lot and really liked.

1.) Birchbox!

At the beginning of the summer, I subscribed to this service called Birchbox, which sends you a box of deluxe sized health and beauty samples each month.  It's only ten dollars a month, and every time I get a new box it feels a little bit like opening a present.  ...A present that I bought for myself.  Anyways, there have been a couple of products that I've really loved from this box, like this lip pencil and this moisturizer and these two blushes.  Not bad for only ten dollars a month.

2.) My skincare routine.

Once I tried to wash my face like this.  It was a mess.

In the past few years I've been pretty lax about my skincare regimen.  I was using a cleanser that was too harsh for my skin and no moisturizer and no exfoliant.  This summer I decided to actually take care of my skin, and I started a brand new routine.  It's pretty simple, and I only use three products even though there are a few things I should be doing like twice a week that I just forget to do, but it's still a step up from what it was before.

For my cleanser I use Aveeno's ultra calming foaming cleanser.  I'm the kind of person who likes when soap gets all bubbly, because it feels cleaner.  But apparently the stuff that makes your face wash do that is pretty harsh on your skin, and my skin is already sensitive to begin with.  This stuff is really gentle and it has a pump that turns it into foam, so I still feel like my face is getting cleaned.

After I wash my face I use this toner that is occasionally sold at Target.  This stuff is amazing.  It's gentle, but effective, and it's super duper cheap.  I've only ever seen it sold at Target twice (let's not go into detail about how often I find myself in a Target).  The first time I saw it I bought a bottle to give it a shot, and the second time I saw it I bought two bottles even though I haven't even gotten halfway through the first one, because who knows when it will be in stock again.  Yikes.

The last thing I do, while my face is still a little damp from the toner is use this moisturizer from Aveeno.  I have really oily skin, so I never thought that I needed moisturizer.  Which is just dumb.  And honestly, I knew deep down in my heart that I needed moisturizer, I was just too lazy to use it and I couldn't find one that was right for me.  This stuff is great for me because it keeps the oil under control without stripping ALL of the oil from my skin.

3.) Living in a NEW ROOM.

Obviously this is not my room.  But I'm going to do a big
reveal once everything is completely finished.

My room isn't 100% done yet, but it's finished enough for me to live in it.  I am loving it.  There's a lot more space than there was in my old room, and it's easier to keep it clean, and when I walk into the room, the bright colors make me feel happy and relaxed.  Five stars.

5.) THE IPHONE 5

I love love love love having a new phone.  I'm sure I felt this way about my old phone two years ago, and I'll probably be ready to throw my new phone into a wood chipper by the time two years is up, but WHATEVER.  I'M A SHEEP AND CONSUMERISM IS MY SHEPHERD.  But there is a lot that I love about this phone--one of those things being that it does not RANDOMLY DELETE MY CONTACTS SO I DON'T HAVE TO KEEP GUESSING WHO JUST TEXTED ME.  And the camera!  I used my phone to record the vlog that I posted on Saturday.  Not too bad for a phone.

6.) Blogging!

BLOGCEPTION

I'll write a wrap-up of Blog Every Day in July for tomorrow, but I'm really glad I took on this challenge!  There were definitely days where I didn't feel up to writing a post, or I just kind of did a throwaway post, but I also wound up with a handful of entries that I really loved writing.  I'm not sure how I'll cope with the freedom of not having to blog every day, but I certainly hope I will continue to blog regularly.  There were a few times that I thought I was going to miss an entry, but then I didn't.  And I'm pretty proud of myself for that.  Let the record show that I CAN finish things that I started!