Blog Every Day in January Day 20: Getting Ready for Student Teaching

We're twenty days into January and I can't believe that I've been derping around writing posts about candles and pizza cats, when I haven't written a single post about the thing I've been thinking about the most: student teaching.

I feel like I've spent the past month preparing for student teaching by...well...by shopping. Getting the clothes I need, the bag I need, the lunch boxes I need. All the things that yes, I do need, but honestly don't matter as much as the stuff that I've been putting off. I've spent the month feeling really scatterbrained in disorganized, and fully avoiding getting things together. It's not that I don't want to think about that stuff, it's just that I haven't really had an outlet to talk about it, and for me part of the process of getting myself into the right mindset for something new is to talk through it with as many people as possible. I've done a lot of explaining to people, and telling them about my placements and what I have to do, but I haven't had a lot of chances to talk to people about the things I'm genuinely nervous about and genuinely excited for.

Fortunately, there are people in my life that are there to ask me real questions about how I'm feeling, and offer advice or let me know that they are feeling the same. I had coffee with my friend Maggie the other day (she starts student teaching tomorrow!!) and talking to her about it was a really great reminder of what I'm about to do--especially because being at home away from school is an easy way for me to disconnect from responsibility, and she kind of brought me back to reality just by being there to talk about her own journey. I've also been preparing some videos for Sisters, Not Twins ahead of time to lighten the load while I student teach, and talking to Melissa about the videos led to the conversation of how worried I was about the workload. She and our friend Lindsay (who has been through student teaching herself) helped me talk through how I'm going to stay on top of my work, and gave me some good advice on keeping up with my portfolio and reminding me to focus on what I will gain from the experience.

So despite all of my anxiety, I've had a lot of support right underneath my nose that I was just not looking towards. My friends at school who are actually about to go through the exact same thing as me are people I've always looked to for advice and support, but there are also friends and family at home who are willing to listen and share. 

Okay, I think this train of thought is going to take more than one entry to cover, so I'm going to end it here and say that tomorrow I will be posting something of a to-do list for myself. I also want to like...actually talk about what I'm excited for and nervous about.

SEE YOU TOMORROW.

Blog Every Day in January Day 14: Getting Stuff Done

I had an amazingly productive day today! I went to visit the high school where I'm student teaching to have a meeting with my cooperating teacher, and I started the day off on a really positive note and I think I rode that wave all day long. And I have some things to show for it, too!

1.) I uploaded a new video onto the Sisters, Not Twins YouTube channel. I'm working on trying to make these videos a little more concise, and I think part of that process will be more planning ahead. I always get a little anxious as I watch the number next to the little thumbs up on Facebook, and the viewcount on the video page. But I've actually been enjoying the video-making aspect of this, and I like to see how many of my friends come out of the woodwork and tell me that they've been watching!




2.) I tackled another recipe! I tried the chicken and dumplings recipe that I mentioned in my post from last week, and it was SO SO SO good. The texture was very stew-like and hearty, and even though it was SUPER filling I still went back for seconds. And I shared with friends, because the recipe made a MASSIVE pot of soup. The only thing I changed was that I cut up some carrots, onions, and celery and sautéed them in the butter before adding the chicken broth. I think next time I'll season it a little more heavily, since there was so much flour in the recipe that it wound up being a little bland.

SO MUCH SOUP 

Dumplings are the key to a girls' heart

3.) It took some time, but I finally got to the bottom of a long list of emails I've been avoiding responding to. Well, the list never really started out that long, but as I crossed items off more items would pop up. As of right now, there are NO MORE ITEMS.

4) Speaking of emails I had been avoiding, I also emailed my nutritionist. #babysteps

PROOF THAT I DID IT

Aaaand as per usual, I have written this entry at the very end of the day. Did I already use the hashtag #babysteps? It still applies.

Blog Every Day in January Day 6: Moving Forward--New Vlog Channel!

So despite yesterday's emo-style entry, the world didn't crumble around me and I didn't die under the weight of all my insecurities. I was in the midst of working on a project that I'm going to share with you today, and my fears took over and manifested themselves as negativity towards all aspects of my life. Winter break is so long, and I often lose perspective when I have so much free time. During the school year when I'm busy, I don't get as much time to think about how nervous I am about putting myself out there. I mean...I do think about it, but I don't spend like ALL DAY thinking about it. So I'm pushing back negative thoughts, and moving forward.

Anyways, onto the new project!

MY SISTER AND I STARTED A BEAUTY VLOG!





We've been talking about doing this for like...months, and it's something we're both really excited about. We finally just bit the bullet and did it!!

I've been really nervous about starting this channel for a whole variety of reasons. First of all, I'm always cautious about what I put out via social media due to the profession I have chosen to pursue. Being a teacher is tough, because you have to filter how much of your personal life you share, and as technology and social media develop, it gets harder and harder to maintain that filter. You could easily google my name and find this blog, and as this channel grows, there will be more and more stuff of me on the internet that I don't necessarily want to share with the (hypothetical) students that I'm trying to teach music to (hopefully). How does this affect my ability to represent myself as an authority figure? Can I expect this to affect my chances with gaining employment? I just like to be extra cautious, especially because everyone I've ever talked to in the education world likes to remind me how important it is to be professional in the classroom and on the internet.

I've also been really nervous about what other people would think of me for doing this channel, and treating myself as an authority towards all things beauty related. Which I am not. On one side of this fear, there are people out there that are frequently more put together than me and/or know more about makeup than I do. Are they judging me, or waiting for me to mess up? On the other side, I know there are people out there that probably think that this is a stupid topic to contribute to. Will they start to think that I'm superficial and vain?

NOT TO MENTION the fact that I'm so scared that this channel just won't take off, and I'll be creating all this content and putting in all of this hard work for approximately four viewers. That is probably my biggest fear, and it extends to this blog and all other aspects of my life. What is the point of creating content, and writing blog posts, and singing songs, if no one is there to consume them?


I've spent enough time with these fears and insecurities to know that the solution is to do these things for me, to make myself happy. And I really am a firm believer that in order to make others happy you have to be happy yourself. So I'm going to keep posting, and keep vlogging, and keep doing whatever else I'm doing. Even if none of this is ever seen, I know I'll feel really good about the fact that I wanted to do something, and I did it. That's really hard! A lot of people stop at the wanting part, but I managed to take it to the doing part. And I'm proud of myself. So yeah, maybe beauty vlogs aren't for everyone, and maybe these entries are only read by like six people. But I wanted to do them, and I did them, and I'm a better person for it.

Blog Every Day in January Day 5: Sundays

I was really tempted to skip today's blog entry because "Sunday is the day of rest". AKA I didn't have anything to write about. But it's only like...January 5th, and I don't want to start flaking out on my New Years Resolutions so early. So I guess I'll just talk about why I didn't feel like writing a blog post? Is this any better than not writing at all???

1.) I AM TIRED. It's like 11:45 and the day is over in fifteen minutes and the idea of having to come up with a blog topic and then actually write about it seems overwhelming to say the least.

2.) I feel overwhelmed. It's only January 5th and I suddenly feel like time is flying by, and I don't have enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. Which is not true, I literally do nothing during my winter break.

But that's the thing, I have all this free time that I get wrapped up in the fact that I have so much free time, and I never actually do the things I planned on doing. I've been spending a lot of time socializing and stuff, which is fine, but I have some other things that I planned to do and it just feels like the clock is ticking for some reason.

3.) I've been really hesitant to start working towards some of my goals for the new year, because a lot of my goals are things I've achieved before and then neglected and wound up back to square one. I forget how much effort it takes to maintain success once you reach it, and so I end up feeling like I've failed. And it's hard to feel motivated when you think you're just going to fail in the end. So I've been struggling with that.

4.) It's late and I'm tired and I'm irritated because it's late and I'm tired. I'm really not a nighttime person, ask anyone who has ever lived with me.


I don't know why I've been in such a funk lately, and I didn't really want to write a post about not feeling great. But I also didn't want to skip a day of blogging, because it would just be another thing to add to my list of "Things I Did Not Do". And I don't want that. Sooo yeah.

....I feel like I should promise to write like a YES THINGS ARE VERY GOOD I AM AN OPTIMIST post tomorrow, during the daytime. Because THIS IS ROUGH.

September in October: Slow and Steady Wins the Race

Last month I wrote some posts about my health and fitness goals and my struggles with losing weight, and it has been about a month and a half since I've checked in with those. I've had a really good month and a half on the bandwagon, and I've been working really hard to stay on it!

I've lost 12 pounds in the past 7 weeks, which I'm really proud of! I haven't had any weeks where I've gained a pound or two yet, and I think that I might have set a record for myself. In the past, I would take two steps forward and one step backward and the progress would be made, but at snails pace. And if I'm being honest with myself, it's because I wasn't really committing to the idea of being healthy. I mean, I wouldn't say that I'm like Miss Health and Fitness right now or anything, but I'm starting to feel like I'm less of a lump than I was in the past. I actually pay attention to the amount of food that I'm putting in my body, and I'm making a conscious effort to be more active in everyday life. For me, the choices I was making were the things that needed the most repair.

So what makes this time any different from all those other times I've tried and failed? Why do I feel so strongly that I will finally get it right this time?? I think that this time around I'm actually being honest. Not just with my nutritionist, but with myself. I started this journey out under my mom's control. She was the one tracking all of my calories, and restricting my diet, and telling me what I could or could not eat. So I would sneak extra snacks and meals, and I would justify it by saying that I was sick of my mom controlling me. When college came around, I had to be the one responsible for tracking and meal planning, but I hadn't given up the old mindset. So essentially, I was cheating on my diet and lying to myself.

This time around, I'm being honest. I'm tracking everything even when I have a bad day, and I'm using that tool as an opportunity for reflection. The "all or nothing" mindset that came with stuffing my face before my mom came home is slowly going away, and I'm starting to pace myself and plan ahead so that I get to have everything I want without going overboard. And I think it's starting to show! I'm not really worried about losing weight rapidly, or meeting a certain deadline. Right now I'm just focusing on what I can do week to week, how I can reach my goals realistically, and how I can maintain this for life. Because like my nutritionist said, this isn't a diet. This is my health, and the way that I am going to sustain my lifestyle in the long term. There will be good days and bad days, and sometimes the scale won't give me numbers that I want. But ultimately I'm learning how to live with food without going crazy, and that's one of the most valuable things I've gained in the past month and a half and will continue to foster.

September in October: Getting Creative with Healthy Eating

So in the past month I've gotten a lot more serious about eating healthier and losing weight and all that good stuff, and I will be writing an update about that soon. But one of the things that I've really been focusing on in order to keep myself excited is trying out new recipes. I've been doing a lot of experimenting with pins, and also improvising out of my own fridge. I figured I'd share some of the things I've made in the past month (...these are all taken from instagram).

Standard tomato soup and grilled cheese, but I added some fresh basil and parmesan to the soup to get some more flavor. Not too impressive, and it's not something I would have considered to be "healthy"...but if you get a little crafty, it's really not bad for you at all (310 calories if we're talking specifics). Plus the meal itself is super filling! And I enjoyed the HECK out of it. HECK.

You may remember this recipe that I posted when it was actually September. Well..this counts. So I'm putting it in! You can find out what I did in this post. SO GOOD.

One of my improvised recipes: Buffalo chicken pizza! Omg I literally died over this pizza. I used a whole wheat Boboli brand pizza crust, shredded up some chicken breast with buffalo sauce and laid that on top of the crust, and then covered that with low fat blue cheese crumbles and part skim mozzarella. I cooked it according to the pizza crust package instructions, which worked out pretty well. I also drizzled on some low-fat ranch to cool down some of the spice. It was a big hit among my friends, and I'm pretty excited to try it again!

Yet another improvised recipe: Dumpling squash soup and baked cornflake chicken tenders. I bought this cute little dumpling squash on sale when I went apple picking with my friends, and I decided to make it into soup. It was very simple. I halved the squash and oven roasted it until tender, then scooped out the meat into a blender with some skim milk and pureed it until it was a smooth and creamy soup. Then I put it back into a pot and added some salt, pepper, and nutmeg. It was a little bit stuck between savory and sweet, so I might try to go more towards an extreme the next time I make it, but it was super delicious!

To make the chicken tenders, I mixed together a tablespoon of dijon mustard and a tablespoon of honey, then dipped the raw chicken breast pieces in it (instead of dredging in egg and flour) before dipping it into some crushed up corn flakes. I baked them in the oven for about 20 minutes (at 350? I don't even remember) and I flipped them halfway through. So crunchy!!

I had leftover ricotta from making baked ziti for a potluck, so I used it to make these ricotta and spinach stuffed portobello mushrooms from a recipe I found on Pinterest. These made my entire apartment smell amazing, and they tasted DE LI CIOUS. Plus, they were so low-cal that I didn't feel guilty about eating a side of pasta.

This one was actually 1.) not healthy and 2.) a failure, but I figured I would put it here anyways. I made this supposedly fool-proof bread recipe, and wound up with sad, flat, beige bread that only tasted good on the first day. I've been desperately trying to get good at making bread, but this recipe was just a no-go for me. In fact, I was so disappointed that I'm not even going to POST the recipe. SORRY THAT I AM NOT SORRY. Anyways, I tweaked the bread recipe by adding some rosemary to the dough, because I was making it to go with my roommate Nicole's delicious beef stew that has a ton of rosemary in it.

I don't think I ever talk about how much I love beef stew. I'm obsessed. The ratio of times when I am craving beef stew versus the number of times that it is socially appropriate to eat beef stew is seriously skewed. I want to try every beef stew recipe that exists. Nicole's is great because it uses squash (or sweet potatoes!) and vegetable broth, so it's a lighter spin. Plus I'm obsessed with all the rosemary and thyme and parsley that goes into it. HAVE I MENTIONED THAT I LOVE BEEF STEW??

...sorry. Anyways, I made this bread to go with the stew and it wound up being delicious straight out of the oven, but way too dense after it cooled down. It was a no-knead bread, but I think it probably could have used more kneading. And proofing. And...time. Basically, it was just a dud recipe. Also, I tried to make another recipe that following weekend (I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS OF BREAD) which rose more, but was BLAND AS HELL. Seriously. I didn't know that bread and hot water could have the same flavor, but they did. It was HORRIBLE. Just HORRIBLE. I've decided to stop trying no-knead recipes and just put off all bread baking until I am back in a place that has a stand mixer with a dough hook, because no-knead means NO GOOD. #breadrage

The last recipe I want to talk about (...mainly to redeem myself for the horrible bread rant) is my current breakfast obsession, the breakfast burrito. I found these 80 calorie tortillas, and I've just been going nuts with them. I scramble up one egg with a chopped up colby cheese stick (Sargento makes low fat ones!) and then plop it onto the burrito with some salsa and plain greek yogurt (because my stomach can no longer handle sour cream in the morning..sad times). It's one of my favorite ways to start the day.

Part of my struggle with weight loss has always been that I'm basically obsessed with food. It's really easy to associate healthy eating with like...misery. But it definitely doesn't have to be that way. Getting creative with healthy recipes makes me really excited, and it gives me an outlet to express my love of food. I've got lots of recipes pinned, and tons more ideas to come so look out for those in the future!

Preview: One Month in Seven Days

*rubs sleep out of eyes*
*stretches*
*yawns*
*falls asleep again*
*wakes up in panic realizing that I forgot something*

OH MY GOD IT'S BEEN ALMOST A MONTH SINCE MY LAST BLOG POST.

I'm so ashamed. I don't even know how this happened.

Except I do know. I forgot to do one of my Thursday posts and somehow that gave me permission to miss my Sunday post and suddenly my blog no longer existed.

WELL IT ALL ENDS HERE. THE HIATUS IS OVER.

I will be posting over the next seven days (starting tomorrow, as in Monday October 14th) recapping all of the things I meant to post about in the past month but never did.

GET READY TOOO PAAARRRRTYYYYY

Startingggg TOMORROW.

Health and Fitness Goal Update

So after my post on Monday, I received a ton of supportive comments on Facebook and in person and via text message:

I always feel really nervous when I share these posts that people are going to judge me or think I'm lame or too cheesy or something like that. But honestly...it's super motivating to see comments like these. It definitely gives me an extra boost of accountability.

ANYWAYS

At the end of July, I set some health and fitness goals for myself through the end of September. I wanted to do a little update and share my progress:

1.) Eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.

Long term: By the end of September and onwards, I should be getting at least five servings of fruits and vegetables a day more than half of which are vegetables
I am currently eating five servings of fruits and vegetables daily (as of last week...), even though most of those servings are of fruit. I'm halfway there...pacing myself.

2.) Work on eating six times a day, with three main meal times and three healthy snacks.

Long term: By the end of September I should be eating three meals a day each consisting of 1-2 servings of vegetables, lean protein, and a complex carbohydrate while also eating three snacks between meals consisting mainly of protein dense foods or fruits/veggies.

This one is kind of rough. My large meals vary in content, and I eat a lot of bread to satisfy the carb component of my meal. Right now, my nutritionist is having me focus on staying within a certain calorie limit rather than fixating on bread vs. whole grains or fruits vs. veggies and all that good stuff. But I have been trying to keep my snacks within the limit I set. So this one is a work in progress

3.) Drink lots of water.

Long term: By the end of the third week of August I should be drinking at least eight 8 oz glasses of water a day, limiting myself to no more than one non-water beverage (coffee or tea) and eliminating all soft drinks or juices.

I actually haven't been keeping track of my water intake...but it's been higher lately because my schedule is more structured. I'm way past the due date for this one...but I have been limiting myself to one or less non-water beverage every day. Maybe I will make a water checklist...

4.) Get into the habit of meal planning.

Long term: By the end of September, have time set aside every Friday morning to plan out meals and snacks for each day of the upcoming week and writing up a grocery list for the weekend.

I actually did a bit of meal planning at the end of August, but found myself not following it. What really works for me right now is coming up with options for the week that have the same ingredients, and buying those ingredients so I have a variety of things to eat. But I do need to keep planning ahead, so I'm going to stick with this goal for now.

5.) Cut back on eating out.

Long term: By the end of September, cut down the number of times eating out to twice a week, including both fast food or eat-in restaurants.  Wawa is not an exception.  Neither is Saxbys.

This goal was actually reached out of necessity. For like the past two weeks I have been a little bit broke. So going out to eat wasn't really an option. I think I went out like an average of three times a week over the past two weeks, so we're getting there. It's already Wednesday and I haven't gone out to eat yet..although I am meeting Maggie for dinner tomorrow at Peace a Pizza. So I'm still down to one this week! Hopefully I will keep it up...my wallet depends on it!!


6.) Get used to counting calories.

Long Term: By the end of September, be tracking the calories consumed each day as well as physical activity done.

It's been a week since I started counting calories! It's been working really well for me, as a way to both keep track of what I'm eating as well as how much of my daily intake each of those things represents. I had originally done a servings checklist, which I still think is a great tool...but this is working for me so far! I don't use any specific app, I've just been writing stuff down on a page in notepad because it is more convenient to me.

I also skipped tracking on Friday and Saturday, but it's okay!! I'm working on it!!

7.) Work out more often.
Since I'm actually more available to work out during the summer, my long term goal is to be going to the gym or using a workout DVD at least four times a week by the end of September, and tohave time scheduled out for working out.  I also need to find an accountabilibuddy by the middle (15th) of September.

The new gym on campus opened this semester, and it's BEAUTIFUL. I went twice last week, and I've already been there twice this week--I took a Zumba class yesterday and used the machines today. And I've already made plans for Zumba tomorrow night as well. As far as accountabilibuddies go, I've been finding it really effective to find someone who will either go with me to the gym or tell me that they will meet me there. Because if they bail, it's usually at the last minute and then I'm already at the gym so I might as well work out. So far, just knowing that someone might be there to hold me accountable has been enough to get me there. Let's hope it stays that way!


I'll probably do another check in with new goals after September is over. There are some challenges that this month will bring, and I'm a little bit nervous but also pretty confident in myself. I've tried and tried for so long that I'm almost sick of trying, and the only option left is to just get it done. So I'm gonna get it done.

The F Word

Last week I got back in the saddle, and I emailed my nutritionist at school to let her know that I would like to schedule an appointment.

At the end of Spring semester of 2012, I decided to take advantage of the student health center on campus and see the nutritionist on campus. There were only about three weeks left in the semester, but I figured better late than never. I made a lot of progress with her...I lost about eight pounds in three weeks, which is pretty impressive all things considered. I was in a time crunch to fit into my maid of honor dress for my sister's wedding, and I just barely made it (if you count getting the dress let out as far as it could go as "barely making it"). I spent the last half of summer eating my way through Europe and basically ignoring all the basic principles of a balanced diet.

I started last fall ready to begin anew with a clean slate, which was fine. I went back to the nutritionist and confessed my sins, and we moved on to make a lot of progress. I saw her for the whole semester, and felt really good about my eating habits and overall health. The only problem was, winter session was coming up, which meant almost two months without student health benefits. PLUS it was holiday season. PLUS PLUS my nutritionist was about to go on maternity leave for the entire spring semester. So I went into the holidays not really knowing how to handle things and completely derailed all of my progress. When winter session came along, I had fallen off of the wagon so hard that I wasn't even walking alongside the wagon. I fell off the wagon in the middle of the desert and started drawing pictures in the dirt and making friends with all the desert creatures. And since then I have been half-heartedly attempting to pick myself up off of the dirty desert floor.

I thought this time around I was too far gone, that I would be forever fat. And you know what...that's fine. I respect people that can do that, and feel totally comfortable in their skins being that way. I'm not even being facetious. I wish I didn't care so much about this health and fitness stuff. There are plenty of people in this world whose physical sizes are secondary to the size of their talent and character, so why can't I be one of them??

I already know the answer to that question. I have been taught ever since the time I was a chubby little toddler, that fat is failure. In my family, being overweight, and struggling with health and fitness has always been seen as a result of laziness and no motivation. I was so terrified to email my nutritionist and let her know that I was coming back because I fucked up. I didn't want her to be disappointed, and frankly I was a little embarrassed. Embarrassed of my failure.

When I finally built up the courage to email her, I almost cried tears of relief when I saw her response:

It's really easy to get stuck in your own head, and to project your own insecurities onto your expectations of others. No one is judging me harder than I am judging myself, and it had been a really long time since I'd acknowledged that.

One of the first things my nutritionist said to me at my appointment was that she was proud that I hadn't given up. And I'm definitely proud of myself for not giving up. I've been kind of faking my way through these health and fitness goals that I set last month, and honestly my heart wasn't in it. I wasn't committing to eating well and working out, and I definitely wasn't holding myself accountable. There are a couple of things that I needed to be reminded:

1.) Losing weight is really hard. No really...it is. There are shortcuts, but those aren't sustainable, and to develop and maintain a healthy lifestyle takes a lot of patience.

2.) The all-or-nothing approach doesn't work. At the beginning of this year, I stated that one of my goals was to find some balance in my life. Deciding to be super productive one day and then spend then next day lying on the couch watching Netflix for sixteen hours straight is not really ideal compared to spending every day being productive with time for leisurely activities. Same goes for food...I can't decide that OH I had a doughnut for breakfast, so now I'm going to spend the rest of the day eating shit. Life doesn't work that way.

3.) Eating shouldn't be mindless, and neither should anything else you do. I've always been really annoyed that losing weight required me to be obsessed with the food I eat...because how was that any different from being obsessed with unhealthy food? The only problem is, when I am not focusing on what to eat every day, then I'm just putting garbage into my body. What I've learned over the years is that it's not obsession, it's mindfulness. I'm mindful of all of the things I say and do when important schoolwork and friendships are involved, so why wouldn't I be mindful of my health and fitness? My body is just as important as the rest of myself.

I'm not a failure. And I'm not a lost cause. I'm just a work in progress.

Look out for an upcoming entry about checking in with my health and fitness goals from last month!

Blog Every Day in July: Day 29, Transformation Tuesday

(7/31 Edit: It didn't occur to me until TODAY, WEDNESDAY, TWO DAYS AFTER I POSTED THIS, that I did Transformation Tuesday on a Monday.  Such is life.)

Not gonna lie, I was a prrrettttty awkward kid from ages like...8-15.  Maybe even later than that.

BEHOLD 12 YEAR OLD MELANIE IN ALL HER
FRIZZY-HAIRED, ACNE RIDDEN, CHUBBY CHEEKED,
BRACE FACED, FOUR-EYED GLORY

I was like...the poster child for adolescent awkwardness.  Anything that could go wrong for a preteen girl went wrong for me.  I was overweight, poorly dressed, I had braces and glasses, I had acne before seemingly everyone else, and my hair was a hot frizzy mess.  I was definitely not Disney Channel material, that's for sure.

I hit puberty at a really young age, and I definitely felt a little bit alienated from other people.  I felt a lot like I couldn't relate to others, so I overcompensated by being really loud and developing a weird sense of humor.  There are certainly parts of myself and my personality that I don't let a lot of people see, and I attribute that to having a ton of insecurities as a kid.  I think when you already feel like people aren't accepting you for who you are on the outside, you do a lot to protect who you are on the inside.

That's not to say that I'm a big fat faker when I'm around people or anything.  I am loud, and I do have a weird sense of humor.  Maybe I started being that way in order to shield myself, but they come from a real place that isn't afraid of what people see or think.  Those parts of me were placed on the outside because they were the strongest, the parts most likely to win in a fight.

Anyways, I didn't wake up one morning and suddenly I wasn't awkward.  I don't think it happens to anyone that way and if it does then don't tell me about it because I'll JUST FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF GOSH.  I did eventually grow out of my awkward phase (which is not to say that I am no longer awkward.  I'm just not the most awkward that I've ever been) gradually.  My acne cleared up before everyone else's because it started earlier, and when the braces came off I had a nice smile--which is the point.  I got used to wearing contact lenses and started to develop a personal sense of style.  I grew out of all the things you expect an awkward preteen to grow out of.

When I was sixteen years old, I joined weight watchers and lost about 30 pounds and suddenly I wasn't so insecure about the way I looked.

What's up Smiles McGee?  You look a little sad to me.

Granted, I was still pretty awkward.  I hadn't yet learned how to smile with just the top half of my teeth (FULL ON CHEESIN' LIKE :D IN PHOTOS), and I still made some questionable fashion choices.  And my obnoxious levels reached all time highs, as they often do with high schoolers.  Regardless, high school was a pretty good time for me.  Not a time that I would ever return to, but not a time that I regret.

Looking back to my sixteen year old self, and reflecting on my struggles with weight and dieting, I remember never feeling good enough.  Like yeah, I made it pretty far but I still had so much left to accomplish.  But I never "accomplished" anything more than that.  In fact, if I could be the weight that I was at sixteen then WOW let's just let out some freakin' hallelujahs or something.  Since then I've been stuck in this uphill climb and I'm just waiting for the hill to crest and it never does.  

My mom likes to do this thing where she finds pictures of me from when I was sixteen and say "WOW look how skinny you were, don't you want to look like that again!".

....

No.  I don't want to look like a sixteen year old again.  I don't want to go back to sixteen.  I don't want to be sixteen year old Melanie all over again, with her sixteen year old issues and her weird sixteen year old sense of humor.  I want to be twenty one year old Melanie who is happy with the person that she is.  And I'm like...SO close to being that Melanie.  There is so much in my life that I have accomplished that I am super proud of, and there are so many things I have to look forward to.  I can't go back to sixteen, and I hate being stuck with this idea that Melanie from the past had it more together than Melanie from the present, just because she weighed less.  

YEAH I CROPPED
MY FRIENDS OUT.
YOU GOT A
PROBLEM??

I definitely still have a lot of insecurities, but I try my best not to wear them on my sleeve.  If I've learned anything in the past twenty one years, it's that you can't let thing things you don't like about yourself hold you back.  You either find something else positive to focus on, or you put up some kind of shield and hope that no one notices.  At this point in my life, I am definitely focusing on the positives.  I don't want to hide parts of myself like I used to, so instead I'm sharing the positives and hoping that people will look past what I fear are the negatives.

I think I do a pretty good job.  I know there's a lot of work to do, and I know that I'm not perfect.  I also know that I can't be afraid of that.  Hopefully, one day, I will be able to embrace it.

Blog Every Day in July: Day 28, To Do List

I don't really have any topic to write about, so I'm just going to do a quick laundry list of things I need to get done like...yesterday:

-Enter dates for fall semester into my calendar and planner.  I made this big fuss about getting a fancy planner and I haven't touched it all summer.  Lame.

-Practice my senior recital stuff.  More specifically, run through my whole program with a timer and memorize stuff.  Also I definitely should have been practicing audition music for things all summer and I am a major procrastinator yikes.

-Get started on senior recital program notes.  Holy crap.

-ALL OF MY DIY PROJECTS.  My personal deadline is by the end of the second week of August.  Because any later would be cutting it waaaay too close.

-Send emails out to everyone everywhere on everything.  And cry.

Summer always goes by so quickly!  I definitely feel like I've had a productive summer, but there is still so much I want to get done.  I think I can make it, as long as I stay determined!  GO MELANIE, GO.

Blog Every Day in July: Day 24, Health and Fitness Goals

As promised, I am going to take the time and spell out my short and long term health and fitness goals.  When I was an RA, we had to do this training module about setting SMART goals.  SMART stood for specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and timely.  Basically it means that in order to have successful goals, you have to make sure they are specific, realistic, and that you have a timeline for completing them.  This is maybe one of the only modules that stuck with me after being an RA, and I still use this model of goal-setting when I set my personal goals.  This time is no different.  So here they are, health and fitness goals for my fall semester of my senior year of college.

1.) Eat at least five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
Short term: Since I currently only get 2-3 servings a day at this point, I am going to say that by the end of July I should be getting at least four servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
Extension: By the middle of August (the 25th) I should be getting at least five servings of fruits and vegetables a day.
Long term: By the end of September and onwards, I should be getting at least five servings of fruits and vegetables a day more than half of which are vegetables

2.) Work on eating six times a day, with three main meal times and three healthy snacks.
Short term: By the end of the first week of August I should be eating three meals a day with three snacks, and incorporating carbs mainly during meal times and having either protein dense snacks or fruits/veggies as snacks.
Extension: By the end of August I should be eating three meals a day each consisting of 1-2 servings of vegetables, protein, and a carbohydrate while also eating three snacks between meals consisting mainly of protein dense foods or fruits/veggies.
Long term: By the end of September I should be eating three meals a day each consisting of 1-2 servings of vegetables, lean protein, and a complex carbohydrate while also eating three snacks between meals consisting mainly of protein dense foods or fruits/veggies.

3.) Drink lots of water.
Short term: By the end of the first week of August I should be drinking at least six 8 oz glasses of water a day, accompanied by no more than two 8 oz beverages that are not water (coffee or tea).
Long term: By the end of the third week of August I should be drinking at least eight 8 oz glasses of water a day, limiting myself to no more than one non-water beverage (coffee or tea) and eliminating all soft drinks or juices.

4.) Get into the habit of meal planning.
Short term: By the end of August, have a list ready by every Friday night for grocery shopping, including meal foods and snacks for the upcoming week.
Long term: By the end of September, have time set aside every Friday morning to plan out meals and snacks for each day of the upcoming week and writing up a grocery list for the weekend.

5.) Cut back on eating out.
Short term: By the middle of August, cut down the number of times eating out to four times a week (WHICH IS STILL A LOT) and make sure that three out of those four times, health-conscious choices were made (meaning choose grilled over fried, vegetables over starch, and water over soft drinks).
Long term: By the end of September, cut down the number of times eating out to twice a week, including both fast food or eat-in restaurants.  Wawa is not an exception.  Neither is Saxbys.

6.) Get used to counting calories.
Short term: By the end of August, be tracking the number of servings of each food group (fruits/veggies, protein, carbs, dairy, etc.) eaten daily.
Long Term: By the end of September, be tracking the calories consumed each day as well as physical activity done.

7.) Work out more often.
Since I'm actually more available to work out during the summer, my long term goal is to be going to the gym or using a workout DVD at least four times a week by the end of September, and to have time scheduled out for working out.  I also need to find an accountabilibuddy by the middle (15th) of September.


I think this covers the basics.  A lot of the short term goals with extensions are habits that I would like to start forming before the semester begins.  I still haven't stepped on a scale out of fear, but I'm going to set a date for myself to step on the scale.  August 1st is when tracking my progress will begin.  Wish me luck!

Blog Every Day in July: Day 19, Summer Checklist

There are a few things that I would like to accomplish by the end of this summer.  I've only got about a month left before I head back to school, and while classes don't start until the end of August, I'm starting to get a little worried that I won't hit all of the things on my list.

1.) Finish my room.  I am so close at this point that it's driving me nuts that I haven't officially moved in yet.  I would like to spend this last month in the new room, rather than still putting it together.

2.) Memorize my senior recital program.  My recital isn't until November, but I know once the semester starts I'll regret it if I haven't memorized my program.  Things move really quickly at school.

3.) Get a grip on some health and fitness goals.  This is super nonspecific, but in the next week or so I am planning on having some specific goals laid out.  It's time to buckle down and get serious for real this time.

4.) Make another batch of macarons.  It's been too long!

5.) Watch Game of Thrones and finish Doctor Who.  You might not hear from me for a few weeks when I start tackling this one.

6.) Get a running start on planning ACDA events for the semester.  I probably haven't talked about this before, but I'm president of my student chapter of the American Choral Director's Association at school, and I'm definitely feeling the pressure to get some informative chapter meetings and fun social events set up.

I've been taking this summer pretty easy, and that's been great, but I need to pick up the pace because I don't want to waste my free time!  I've done the relaxation thing, so now it's time to do the things that I can't do during the school year.  As much as I enjoy being lazy, there's so much I want to do!  No more wasting time!!

Blog Every Day in July: Day 1

So I left this blog with a bit of a cliffhanger back in May...

(Spoiler: I did.  Barely.)

Wellllll

IMMA BACK

I always pick Luigi when I play Super Mario Bros with my friends.

So I know at this point my blogging has been erratic at best....and I made all these promises to myself that I never really kept (ex: all of my New Years Resolutions).  And I didn't get to write about any of the awesome things that happened during the semester (turning 21, going to Dallas for ACDA, being a party-planner-extraordinare) and all the things that caused chunks of hair to fall out of my head (...every class I had).  The blogging world is MISSING OUT ON ALL OF MY CRAZY ADVENTURES.

CRAZY ADVENTURES

So there is no actual challenge out there in the blogging world called "Blog Every Day in July" (I google'd it), but I've decided that I need to get into the habit of blogging regularly.  And according to like, my nutritionist or something, it takes about two weeks for a habit to form.  So I'm going to one-up that ish and blog every day for a WHOLE MONTH.  And not one of the dinky months, we're talkin a big 'ol thirty-one day month.  It's on.

I'm gonna keep this entry short and sweet, since there's about to be THIRTY MORE DAYS of sweet sweet blogging coming your way.  GET USED TO IT.

Schedule Captains and Some Eggs

So after what was maybe the busiest and most stressful semester I've had in college thus far, I have MADE IT TO FINALS WEEK. Barely. I still have a mountain of work due tomorrow...so naturally I am taking a break to blog about it.

Earlier in the semester, my sister and I started doing this thing called Schedule Captains, where we would email each other our schedule for the day and then do periodic updates on our progress. We kind of fell out of the habit, because we both got too busy living in our schedules to type them out. I'm thinking that I might need a schedule captain for the next three days of my life. Unfortunately, Melissa is moving into her NEW HOUSE today...so I am not going to send her my schedule because she ain't got time fo' dat. Instead...THE INTERNET IS MY SCHEDULE CAPTAIN. WOOHOO. Here's what's in store for the next few days:

Today
11:45-12:45: Do video reflections for Conducting
12:45-1:45: Work on rep lists for Choral Lit
1:45-2: Lunch
2-2:30: Finish up rep lists for Choral Lit, OR start working on 2-year plan
2:30-2:35: Stretch/Facebook.  NO TUMBLR.
2:35-4: Work on 2-year plan for Choral Lit.
4-4:30: Go on tumblr BUT JUST FOR 30 MINUTES
4:30-5:30: Go to the library to get books.
5:30-6: Either decide to go back to my apartment, or stay in the library and finish up 2-year plan stuff.
6-6:30: Eat dinner somewhere somehow
6:30-7:30: Finish up 2-year plan or work on Music History paper.
7:30-7:45: Take a break.
7:45-9: Work on Music History paper.
9-9:15: Snack break
9:15-10:30: Keep working on paper.
10:30-10:45: Another break.
10:45-??: Keep.  Working.  On.  Your.  Paper.

Tomorrow (Monday)
7-8: Wake up/shower
8-9: Eat breakfast.
9-10: Work on paper
10-10:30: Meander over to Choral Lit final
10:30-12:30: Choral Lit final/GET YOUR LAST BUBBLE TEA EVER NOO
12:30-5: WRITE YOUR PAPER LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT
5: Turn your paper in, no matter how ashamed you are.
5-6: Cry in the fetal position.
6-7: Eat something because you probably forgot what eating feels like.
7-9: Practice piano stuff for MUED final.
9-10: Go over interview questions for MUED.
10: Go to sleep.  You earned it.  Hopefully.

Tuesday
6-7: Wake up/get ready for the day/tame the beast that is your hair
7-8: Eat breakfast
8-9: Practice piano stuff for MUED Final and go over interview questions
9-9:15: Meander over to MUED final
9:20-9:40: MUED FINAL WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T CRY IN FRONT OF YOUR PROFESSOR.
9:40-noon: Eat/sleep/cry/whatever
12-3: Start packing!!
3-whatever: Study for your history final

Wednesday
Music History final at 10:30 then GO HOME FOR THE SUMMER WOOHOOOO.

As you can see...life is going to be a bit crazy (crazier than usual...) for the next three days.  Hopefully I will be able to come back to this blog post and edit in updates about my progress.  Or I will cave under the pressure and run away to Canada with a new identity and a different hair color.  Who knows.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I also wanted to share a recipe that I have been making for breakfast the past couple of days, because it is delicious.

When I was fifteen, I went on an exchange trip to Spain for 3 weeks.  As you can probably already assume, I basically ate my way through that trip.  One dish in particular that has stuck with me, even six years later, was the tortilla española...which is basically a big 'ol potato and onion omelette.  Only..it's so much more than that.  My favorite version of this was the one that the grandmother in my host family made.  She made it every day, and I'm pretty sure that it is the sole reason why I gained like fifteen pounds in Spain.  Something about the size of the potato chunks, and the sweetness of the onion, and the fluffiness of the eggs.  I still have dreams about that tortilla.  And I STILL.  CAN'T.  MAKE.  IT.

I am such a failure when it comes to cooking scrambled eggs...or omelettes, more specifically.  They just...they never turn out quite right.  Combined with the added pressure of putting potatoes and onions in that?  Nope.  Never made a successful frittata.  Sooo even though I just told you a story about a tortilla...that's not my recipe.

I'm not even pretending that these pictures were taken
with anything but the camera on my cell phone

This recipe was inspired by my favorite Spanish tortilla.  I had some left over frozen hashbrowns from a breakfast casserole that I made for a class, so I had intended to do a fakeout frittata.  Except...the onion that I had been keeping in a plastic bag in my fridge went bad.  Go figure.  Instead of onion, I just diced up some bacon and called it a day.

If this was iron chef, I would receive a 0 for plating.

Since I knew this wasn't going to be anything like the tortilla that I love, I didn't even try to make it a perfect circle.  It's okay...it was still so so so delicious.  You really can't go wrong with eggs and potatoes and bacon.  It's not possible.

Recipe
2 slices of center cut bacon
A handfull of frozen hasbrowns
Some olive oil
2 eggs
Salt n' peppa.

1. Dice up that bacon real good.  Yeah, you like that.
2. Put the bacon in the pan and let it cook up a bit.
3. Drizzle in some olive oil, then throw your handful of hasbrowns in and stir it around with your spautla. Season with salt and pepper.
4. While your potatoes and bacon are falling in love, crack your eggs into a bown and beat 'em up.  I like to add salt to my eggs while I'm beating them, but apparently you're not supposed to do that?  Do whatever you want, it's your food.
5. When your bacon looks crispy and your potatoes are looking golden, pour in your beaten eggs.  Maybe remove from the heat.  Actually...definitely remove it from the heat.
6. Make yourself an omelette!  I have no authority on this.  Just make sure your eggs aren't raw.
7. PROFIT


Wish me luck on my finals.  Hopefully I will make it out alive to blog another day.

Forgotten Resolution: Get Organized. A list for the future (...next week)

OOOH I forgot to list "Get Organized" as one of my New Years Resolutions. Mainly because it is one of my permanent resolutions. Because I am never organized enough. Yyyyikes.

So I'm going back to my apartment at school on Monday, which is when I am going to seriously re-organize and clean shit. I mean...why start as soon as possible when I could put it off til next week? Right?? Right???? (....so today I do not get to check off "Didn't procrastinate!" on my nonexistent NY Resolution checklist)


Here is a list of the things I would like to get done in January, which I will be keeping track of throughout blog posts! You can't ever tell me that I'm not ambitious.


1.) Clean all of the leftovers/stuff that has inevitably gone bad over break out of my apartment refrigerator. If any of my apartment mates are reading this right now, I am so sorry. I just...I...I'm better than this, I know.

2.) Clean my bathroom. My apartment is SO DUSTY, including my personal bathroom. It's just...it needs to be cleaned frequently sooo yeah. I also need to clean all the linens in my room.

3.) Dust the rest of my room. I seriously don't understand how dust accumulates so fast in my apartment. Actually, in Delaware in general...because my freshman and sophomore dorms were even dustier. No wonder I get sick so often!

4.) Actually...clean/reorganize my room in general. Yyyyikes.....okay this needs it's own list:
-Main space
-Desk
-Window/windowsill
-Book shelf--including sorting through/throwing out old papers that I will obviously never use
-Ditto for all the lost and forgotten papers in my book bags.
-Closet--mainly the top shelf. Yyyikes.
-VACUUM THE WHOLE FLOOR. I haven't vacuumed since October, guys. This is embarrassing.

5.) Update my dry erase calendar. I haven't updated it since September...which was just......no wonder I was so scatterbrained for like 50% of last semester!

6.) Order a new planner, because my old one only lasted me until December and I probably should have sprung for a new one in August.....I'm looking to get one of these fancy expensive (for me...) Erin Condren ones because it's pretty and will make me feel like an adult (or I imagine it will) and they have lots of features to get organizzeeeddd. I am not being paid to say this. As if. Does anyone even read this blog??? SOMEONE SPONSOR ME I'M A POOR COLLEGE STUDENT.

7.) DELETE ALL OF MY OLD E-MAILS. This is seriously going to take me like a day and a half. I have like twenty thousand old e-mails sitting in my personal e-mail, and even more unread ones in my school e-mail. Mainly because I linked them for smart phone purposes, so my school e-mail is super neglected and every time I log onto it I feel overwhelmed because gahhhhh.



....I think that might be it.......

I'm going to try and tackle 1-4 as soon as I get back to school on Monday, and hope to be done by Thursday. I will probably wait on numba 6 until I've got some more $$ if ya know what I'm sayin'. And I don't even know how to approach number 7, I'll probably get started and then somehow find myself curled up in the fetal position in my bathtub. I'm gonna have to make a plan to tackle that one.

WISH ME LUCK!! I think that getting organized is going to feel like a full time job this January. Which is good. Something about idle hands and the Devil's thing. IDK.

New Years Resolutions

So I'm getting back to blogging after taking an unplanned hiatus. Unplanned hiatus is just a fancy way of saying I fell off the wagon because I am lazy and get anxiety about procrastination.


Anyways, it's New Years Eve. Yeah yeah, I know. So typical, Melanie. Coming back to your blog just in time for a New Years resolution to blog more. I bet you'll be gone again by mid January. HUSH UP, ITALICS. YOU DON'T KNOW MY LIFE.

I mean, one of my New Years resolutions is to blog more frequently. But I think that is going to require a few changes in this blog. I am no longer limiting myself to posting about food (but let's be honest...I'm going to post about food like A LOT). I originally thought that being a food blogger would be super fun because OMG I LOVE FOOD. But it turns out that there's a lot more that I would like to talk about. I don't want to say that this is going to be a Lifestyle Blog, because that sounds more adult than I'm willing to handle. Except this is basically going to be me blogging about my lifestyle...so...it is a lifestyle blog. But like...isn't every personal blog a lifestyle blog?? The point is, this is not a food blog anymore. It's about me trying to be like a real human being becauuuse...um...I want to do that.


I'm halfway through my junior year of college and I still feel like people don't take me seriously, and I can't blame them, because I don't really share the part of me that takes things seriously and has interests that aren't related to the Disney channel. I'm still struggling with my health and fitness the same way I was in high school, and I still don't answer e-mails in a timely manner, and I still wait until the last minute to study and write papers, and I am starting to feel the pressure to act like an adult because...I am putting pressure on myself to act like an adult. I don't want to graduate college and then end up thrown into real life without having at least some practice in being a grown up. Even worse, I don't want to graduate college and then end up ignoring real life and still acting like a teenager. I think that I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to grow up, and I don't think that it's a bad thing. I can't be a troll forever!

Anyways, I'm still going to call this blog "Deep Fried Carrots". Because I think it represents a lot about what I need to learn. I think that I struggle with finding balance in almost every aspect of my life. Either I'm super prepared and on top of things, or I wait until the last minute. I eat really healthy, or I eat cupcakes for dinner. I'm really serious/upset/annoyed/anything or OVER THE TOP EXCITED HAPPY OMG FREAKING OUTT. I'm getting tired of it, and the people around me are getting tired of it, and it's time to make some changes.

Anyways here are my New Years Resolutions for 2013:

1.) Get healthy! Same old same old every year. But I would like to tackle one health/fitness goal for every month of this year, so that I have an actual plan. For the month of January, my goal is to drink at least 8 glasses of water every day. Weekends are no longer cheat days in 2013...I guess lol.


2.)Speak my mind more often on things that matter to me. This is really broad and kind of vague, but I think that having this blog as an outlet will be helpful for this resolution. I've stopped raising my hand in class, I never write to professors to tell them what I think of their lectures (which one of my professor's often asks us to do), I don't usually share my opinions on current events, and I don't talk to people about books and media that I genuinely enjoy (that is not the Disney channel or QVC). I'm not an active participant, because I am afraid of being shot down. Which I have been, but it's time to get over that. I've been too cautions for too long about the things I say, and I'm starting to look vapid to the people that don't know me well.


3.) Blog more! Starting goal is once a week here, and since I don't have to talk exclusively about food, I have no excuses! Except let's get real, I'm still going to talk about food.


4.) Answer e-mails within 12 hours of receiving them (24 MAX). Seriously, Melanie. It's not that hard. AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, GET OVER THE ANXIETY YOU HAVE ABOUT SENDING E-MAILS. Jeez.


5.) Overall, find balance and moderation. I know that there's nothing wrong with treating myself, and that part of who I am is loud and obnoxious (AND FUNNY. AMIRIGHT??). But also I know there's a way to still enjoy the things that I love without going overboard, and that I can still be a fun (and FUNNY...AMIRIGHT???) person without annoying myself and everyone around me.

OKAY THIS POST IS GETTING A LITTLE HEAVIER THAN I WAS HOPING so I'm going to close it out and say HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

2012 was an amazing year for me. I had so many wonderful experiences that are too numerous to list. I'm excited for things coming up in 2013, but I'm also excited to see what surprises the new year brings me. I hope you all have a terrific night and I'LL SEE YOU IN 2013 BITCHESSSS.






P.S. Let's go ahead and pretend that the pictures I took of food in Hungary and Vienna got lost because there is no way I can go back and write two more blog posts about July. Saaahhryyyy.