Technically it is still Friday on the West Coast!! THIS IS MY BLOG POST FOR JULY 5TH. IT STILL COUNTS!!
So I am just about halfway through my summer, and time seems to be moving at rapid pace. Honestly...I'm not complaining. When I was a kid, I used to think summer went on for-ev-er. The older I get, the more things I find to fill the day with, and I don't mind. Isn't that the reason why we try to get out and try new things and spend time with friends? At the root of everything we do...we're really just trying to pass the time we have here.
Okay, that sounds a lot more depressing than what I mean. Let me try this again.
Since going off to college, I've been afraid of wasting my summers. Every year when finals start to ease up and everyone starts talking about their summer plans, I get a little insecure because...I never used to have summer plans. At least not until college. I'm lucky enough to have a job working for the girl scouts for four days a week, but it's only a month-long job. Everyone I talk to seems to be doing internships, working as camp counselors, or doing summer research. Or even just working at part time jobs to earn some extra cash. I just feel really...unambitious. And kind of lazy.
That's the thing, though. I feel lazy in the sense that I'm not accomplishing anything tangible (cash, research, useful experience), but every day I go to bed exhausted from whatever I spent the day doing. Because I'm not spending the day just sitting around and watching TV like I used to when I was a kid. I'm remodeling my room, teaching arts and crafts four days a week, hanging out with friends that I never get to see, trying new restaurants around the area, spending time with family, and tons of things that I think are really really important. I really wanted to be home this summer for the full summer, because it's been a while since I've had the chance to do that. I want to hang out with my friends from home, and spend time with my family, because I'm really scared that I won't have the opportunity after I graduate.
I'm about to be a senior in college, and that is terrifying to me. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't think I'm any less prepared than anyone else...but prepared or not, there's this huge chapter of my life that's about to end, and I have no idea how the next chapter is going to start. When I think about life after graduation, I visualize myself driving on a road and all of a sudden I'm driving into a white backdrop...and when I try to fill that space with pictures, it's different every time. For the first time every, I can't predict where I will be a year from now. I have a pretty good idea of what I want to be doing...and a couple of ideas of where I want to be, but everything else is one big TBD. I might not have any control over the specific details of my what and where. I might even have to sacrifice one for the other. There is so much that I don't know about the future, and it's just plain scary.
Except...I can't stop thinking about it. And I don't want to stop thinking about it. Because I'm excited. So far, I really love what I think I'm about to do after college (as in teaching music). I've had rough patches in my studies, and I've definitely had my insecurities about myself as a musician and a teacher. But I've been determined, and I've worked really hard. Part of me is positive that I'm going to be the worst teacher ever and that my first few years of teaching are going to be horrible. Another part of me doesn't care, because everything gets easier after time goes by...and if I have to wait a couple of years to be really good at doing something I love, then it's worth it. Even though I can't get a clear picture of what lies ahead, I still get this feeling of excitement.
It's kind of like getting in line for a roller coaster. First you decide what ride you want to go on...and you get excited because that's the point...it's supposed to be exciting. Then you get in line and you wait and wait and wait (....the first three years of college), and all of a sudden you're on the ride and the car is slowly working it's way up to that first drop and the anticipation makes you so anxious that you're starting to wonder if maybe this was a bad idea (ALL OF SENIOR YEAR), and then suddenly you're flying. Who knows, when you get off you might throw up or have some serious whiplash. Or you might be pumped up with adrenaline and ready to go again. But you won't know until you get in line and go on the ride.
One of the things that always makes the wait in line seem shorter is by surrounding yourself with friends, and people whose company you enjoy. Summer may be moving quickly, but at least I'm enjoying every moment of it.
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