Yeah, so this was like probably the most underwhelming daily blogging experience that exists on the internet. I talked about it before, but this past month has just been super blah. Blame it on the cold? I think I started out pretty strong but as the month went on and my anxiety grew, I started feeling less willing to blog about real things. I don't know why that is. I've always wanted to be the kind of person that can share really serious things with people, but when I start actually thinking about those serious things--such as my insecurities and anxieties and even general opinions about the world--I kind of pull back and try to find anything else to talk about. Which is super hard when you're under pressure. Even the things that happened to me on a daily basis were weighing so heavily on my mind--mostly because they were all related to student teaching--and I just couldn't bring myself to talk about them.
I'm trying to think about how I could have made this a more productive experience for myself. I'm proud that I stayed with it til the end, because I could have easily just been like I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT LETS TRY THIS AGAIN SOME TIME. But I guess like I felt like I owed it to myself to finish what I started? This blog isn't something I'm ready to give up on. When I'm really feeling like myself, I find this such a positive outlet to talk about my life. I want to still be able to use this blog as a way to reflect and share, especially over the next couple of months. But I have a tendency to drop blogging when I get busy, which is natural, but not something I want to do.
It's not just blogging, either. I feel like I've been pulling back in all areas of my life, and part of it is because I am freaking out about the future. I'm about to enter my last semester of college, and I won't even be taking classes. I'll be teaching them. I feel so unprepared, and even worse I feel unprepared for the rest of my life. A big part of me wants to drop out and hide under my covers and never do anything in life. Another part of me is afraid that after I graduate, I will actually end up doing nothing--no job, no social life, etc. A year ago I was ready to face these kinds of challenges head on...probably because they were a year away and I was all talk no show.
I know that I'm not the only person who feels this way, and I've seen what happens after college just through watching my sister and some of her friends go through it. There are lots of different things that happen after college, but I do get a say in some of them. Sort of. I'm purposely putting myself in a situation where I have a lot of support from friends and family after graduation. I'm not actually being thrown out into the unknown where I'll be all alone. So then why do I feel so much anxiety?
I'm really big on anticipation. I like to know what's going on in the near future and the far future. As it turns out, my anticipated far future is now my near future, and it has a brief outline but it is nowhere near planned out. Hopefully I'll be able to accept that, and keep it from holding me back. This is not the time for me to hold back--this is the time where I have to break out of my shell and do something that I might not be good at, so that one day I can be good at it.
My plan was to go back to my regularly scheduled Sunday, Tuesday, and Thursday blog post. I don't want to take on too much, so I'm not going to hold myself to a schedule that rigid. Two times a week, minimum. I think that's realistic.
Wish me luck.
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