HELLO BLOG WORLD. Ohhh how I have missed you so. Today I'm going to be serious, I hope that's okay with everyone.
So back in February, I started watching this British TV show called "My Mad Fat Diary", which is a 6 episode series about a 16 year old girl who struggles with mental illness and a binge-eating disorder. It's been two months and I still can't get over how good this series is. I know it's silly to say that a TV show has been such an important thing in my life…but I've spent a lot of time reflecting on the subject matter of the show.
When I was fifteen, I joined weight watchers because my mom and doctor insisted on it. I'm pretty sure that joining weight watchers was the sole cause of any teenage "angst" I had.
(I didn't have teenage angst. Ask anyone who knew me in high school. I probably could have afforded more angst and less sugar.)
Anyways, the point is…I've had a complicated relationship with weight loss. I've been on and off of diets for six years and I've seen ugly numbers on the scale, and numbers that I thought were ugly at the time but probably should have appreciated more. I've been to a dietician, to a support group, on online forums. At this point I've failed more times than I have succeeded, and yet I'm still clinging onto the hope that one day something will finally click and I'll just get it done. Kind of like the way I clung onto the hope that my ex boyfriend and I would get back together before he came out of the closet BUT THAT'S ANOTHER STORY FOR ANOTHER DAY.
The difference, though, between clinging onto a relationship with a person and clinging onto a relationship with dieting, is that most people will tell you that clinging onto the person is unhealthy, while the whole world will keep encouraging you to lose weight. And I could go off in some kind of rant on society's expectations about the way women should look and blah blah blah. But the bottom line is--yeah. I need to lose weight. A month from now I will still have to lose weight. A year from now I will probably still be struggling. Because I'm not healthy, and being healthy is an actual important thing that people need to do.
And when I say I'm not healthy, I mean both in reference to my weight and in reference to my lifestyle. I eat pizza WAY more often than any person should eat pizza. I spend a large portion of my day snacking on foods that are most definitely not snack foods. I avoid exercise at all costs--I take the elevator up a single floor and I drive to places that are only a few blocks away. These are things I am insecure about, but they are habits that I just can't seem to shake. I get embarrassed about them, and I get even more embarrassed when people point them out (usually with the best of intentions). And my insecurity just seems to fuel the unhealthy habits--because while they are my struggle, they also bring me comfort….and that is the hardest part about weight loss and body image. I have an addiction that can't be cured by quitting. I need to eat to live. It's not as simple as cutting out carbs and eating more vegetables. Food and fitness are only half the battle--the other half is all in my head.
That's the thing, though. I'm really proud of the person I'm becoming. There's a lot of things about myself that I like. I'm a good cook, I'm funny and energetic, I've always been pretty ambitious which has led to a lot of success (and some failures, but I always learn from them), I'm pretty intelligent (…well, I think so), and I've managed to surround myself with people that lift me up instead of bringing me down. I'm not an out of control party-girl at school, I've never done drugs, and I get good grades. I always put family first, and I try pretty hard to respect my parents. I think that as far as daughters go, my parents could have done much worse. Which is why it kills me that I still get grief from them about my weight, and that I still feel like I have to fight to prove my personality to people who may be judging me based on the way I look.
This scene from MMFD is so perfect, because it quite vividly and quite accurately illustrates everything I've ever felt about myself. I wish I could unzip this outer layer of fat and insecurity and all that other bullshit, so that people would just move on and see all the things on the inside that make me a beautiful person. I wish it was that easy, and that I didn't have to spend months trying to "discipline" myself to a thinner me.
But we don't come with zippers. I know that getting healthy is just another journey I have to take in order to reach whatever destination I am headed for. It might take forever, and I might spend some time getting even more lost than I already am. In the meantime, I'm learning how to really like myself despite all of the things that need work. And I think, so far, I've been pretty successful.
If you have a chance, definitely check out My Mad Fat Diary. Just look it up on the YouTubes. It's only six episodes long, an hour each episode, and it really beautifully handles all of the topics discussed. Also I've got a BIG FAT CRUSH on the main love interest but we're gonna skip that conversation because everyone I know is already SICK OF IT.
