Forward Motion

Listen, I know that at this point in my life it is more likely that I will NOT be posting something than it is that I WILL, but I'm never really willing to give up on the idea of me blogging.

And to be honest, there's like a million things I could be doing with my life instead of writing a blog post. For example: putting away dishes, or putting my shoes in the shoe closet, or throwing away the junk mail all over my couch, or cleaning my bathroom before my family visits this weekend. Basically, I'm a slob and I'm just writing this to avoid the consequences. 

Also I have a quiz and like three lesson plans to write. BUT HERE I AM INSTEAD.

A new school year just started, which means that I've been a little more anxious than usual. Going into my second year of teaching, I feel like I still have a long way to go before I really feel successful. I took on a lot more responsibility this year, and I'm just as ambitious as usual, but somehow I feel like this is the year I'll finally deliver. I'm almost afraid to put that statement out there in writing, like I might jinx it somehow. Either way--I'm really feeling like this is the year I get my shit together. I've been playing grown-up for a year, maybe I'm done faking it and I'm on the path to making it?

And of course, when I think about the past year it's impossible not to think about the fact that I didn't just survive, but I actually enjoyed a good portion of it. Yes, teaching is stressful. And yes, I did get thrown in with little time to prepare. And YES, I definitely didn't know what I was doing the entire time. But I spent the past year learning about myself, and finding out things that I didn't know were true. For example, I always thought that I was the kind of person that needed to use a desk in order to get any real work done. I thought that the only reason I did all of my work on the couch in college was because there was nowhere else to do it. It turns out, I just really love couches. Seriously, I'm sitting on a couch right now as I type this and I am LOVING it. It's those little things that I didn't know about myself until I was on my own.

I think the biggest thing that has surprised me about myself is the fact that I've managed to actively pursue becoming the best version of myself. And yes, that is like a super-cliche. Like, that cliche should be wearing a cape. But I really do have a version of myself that I strive to be--and, you know, she's not perfect. My idealized version of myself is still...me. But she's me doing all of the things I said I wanted to accomplish with my life, and she has good habits I had always wished I had formed (like...daily-routine-habits, not like...drug habits). I find myself making stronger efforts to be that girl--which I always doubted my ability to do.

My friend Maggie (SHOUT OUT IF YOU'RE READING!!) mentioned to me once that there was a period of time in high school we she was just a liiiittle bit worried about me. Because I didn't have my shit together--my words, not hers. My work ethic was nonexistent, and I would shut down under any kind of pressure. She's not wrong about it, and I'm not bitter. Hot-mess-high-school Melanie lives deep down inside me and she is constantly pulling me away from pursuing things that matter, and sometimes she wins. I think she might be winning right now (dishes still dirty, holla!!), but the number of victories she has over Actual-Eventual-Grown-Up Melanie is slowly starting to diminish. 

I'm a work in progress, and I know that the minute I get comfortable with myself and the way things are, everything could change. Maybe in five years I'll love doing work at a desk. Maybe I'll only be able to get work done sitting on the floor. Who knows? What I do know, is that I'm moving forward. This is the first time that I feel like something has clicked in me--something to help me keep going when things get crazy, rather than my usual mode of "THINGS ARE HAPPENING--SHUT IT DOWN". And again, I hope I'm not jinxing myself by putting it in writing. I've got a lot to prove--not just to others, but to myself.

Of course, all of this has come from a place of current-anxiety. My to-do list grows by the minute, and I am counting on myself to keep it together and cross items off the list one-by-one. So that's where I'll begin: one-by-one. Moving forward one item at a time. Starting with dishes.

Coming up (I hope): Adventures in Eating Paleo, Trying And Failing At Spending Less Money, and Wow-I Didn't Know That Sewing Curtains Would Suck So Much.