So despite yesterday's emo-style entry, the world didn't crumble around me and I didn't die under the weight of all my insecurities. I was in the midst of working on a project that I'm going to share with you today, and my fears took over and manifested themselves as negativity towards all aspects of my life. Winter break is so long, and I often lose perspective when I have so much free time. During the school year when I'm busy, I don't get as much time to think about how nervous I am about putting myself out there. I mean...I do think about it, but I don't spend like ALL DAY thinking about it. So I'm pushing back negative thoughts, and moving forward.
Anyways, onto the new project!
MY SISTER AND I STARTED A BEAUTY VLOG!
We've been talking about doing this for like...months, and it's something we're both really excited about. We finally just bit the bullet and did it!!
I've been really nervous about starting this channel for a whole variety of reasons. First of all, I'm always cautious about what I put out via social media due to the profession I have chosen to pursue. Being a teacher is tough, because you have to filter how much of your personal life you share, and as technology and social media develop, it gets harder and harder to maintain that filter. You could easily google my name and find this blog, and as this channel grows, there will be more and more stuff of me on the internet that I don't necessarily want to share with the (hypothetical) students that I'm trying to teach music to (hopefully). How does this affect my ability to represent myself as an authority figure? Can I expect this to affect my chances with gaining employment? I just like to be extra cautious, especially because everyone I've ever talked to in the education world likes to remind me how important it is to be professional in the classroom and on the internet.
I've also been really nervous about what other people would think of me for doing this channel, and treating myself as an authority towards all things beauty related. Which I am not. On one side of this fear, there are people out there that are frequently more put together than me and/or know more about makeup than I do. Are they judging me, or waiting for me to mess up? On the other side, I know there are people out there that probably think that this is a stupid topic to contribute to. Will they start to think that I'm superficial and vain?
NOT TO MENTION the fact that I'm so scared that this channel just won't take off, and I'll be creating all this content and putting in all of this hard work for approximately four viewers. That is probably my biggest fear, and it extends to this blog and all other aspects of my life. What is the point of creating content, and writing blog posts, and singing songs, if no one is there to consume them?
I've spent enough time with these fears and insecurities to know that the solution is to do these things for me, to make myself happy. And I really am a firm believer that in order to make others happy you have to be happy yourself. So I'm going to keep posting, and keep vlogging, and keep doing whatever else I'm doing. Even if none of this is ever seen, I know I'll feel really good about the fact that I wanted to do something, and I did it. That's really hard! A lot of people stop at the wanting part, but I managed to take it to the doing part. And I'm proud of myself. So yeah, maybe beauty vlogs aren't for everyone, and maybe these entries are only read by like six people. But I wanted to do them, and I did them, and I'm a better person for it.
Monday, January 6, 2014
Sunday, January 5, 2014
Blog Every Day in January Day 5: Sundays
I was really tempted to skip today's blog entry because "Sunday is the day of rest". AKA I didn't have anything to write about. But it's only like...January 5th, and I don't want to start flaking out on my New Years Resolutions so early. So I guess I'll just talk about why I didn't feel like writing a blog post? Is this any better than not writing at all???
1.) I AM TIRED. It's like 11:45 and the day is over in fifteen minutes and the idea of having to come up with a blog topic and then actually write about it seems overwhelming to say the least.
2.) I feel overwhelmed. It's only January 5th and I suddenly feel like time is flying by, and I don't have enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. Which is not true, I literally do nothing during my winter break.
But that's the thing, I have all this free time that I get wrapped up in the fact that I have so much free time, and I never actually do the things I planned on doing. I've been spending a lot of time socializing and stuff, which is fine, but I have some other things that I planned to do and it just feels like the clock is ticking for some reason.
3.) I've been really hesitant to start working towards some of my goals for the new year, because a lot of my goals are things I've achieved before and then neglected and wound up back to square one. I forget how much effort it takes to maintain success once you reach it, and so I end up feeling like I've failed. And it's hard to feel motivated when you think you're just going to fail in the end. So I've been struggling with that.
4.) It's late and I'm tired and I'm irritated because it's late and I'm tired. I'm really not a nighttime person, ask anyone who has ever lived with me.
I don't know why I've been in such a funk lately, and I didn't really want to write a post about not feeling great. But I also didn't want to skip a day of blogging, because it would just be another thing to add to my list of "Things I Did Not Do". And I don't want that. Sooo yeah.
....I feel like I should promise to write like a YES THINGS ARE VERY GOOD I AM AN OPTIMIST post tomorrow, during the daytime. Because THIS IS ROUGH.
1.) I AM TIRED. It's like 11:45 and the day is over in fifteen minutes and the idea of having to come up with a blog topic and then actually write about it seems overwhelming to say the least.
2.) I feel overwhelmed. It's only January 5th and I suddenly feel like time is flying by, and I don't have enough hours in the day to do what I want to do. Which is not true, I literally do nothing during my winter break.
But that's the thing, I have all this free time that I get wrapped up in the fact that I have so much free time, and I never actually do the things I planned on doing. I've been spending a lot of time socializing and stuff, which is fine, but I have some other things that I planned to do and it just feels like the clock is ticking for some reason.
3.) I've been really hesitant to start working towards some of my goals for the new year, because a lot of my goals are things I've achieved before and then neglected and wound up back to square one. I forget how much effort it takes to maintain success once you reach it, and so I end up feeling like I've failed. And it's hard to feel motivated when you think you're just going to fail in the end. So I've been struggling with that.
4.) It's late and I'm tired and I'm irritated because it's late and I'm tired. I'm really not a nighttime person, ask anyone who has ever lived with me.
I don't know why I've been in such a funk lately, and I didn't really want to write a post about not feeling great. But I also didn't want to skip a day of blogging, because it would just be another thing to add to my list of "Things I Did Not Do". And I don't want that. Sooo yeah.
....I feel like I should promise to write like a YES THINGS ARE VERY GOOD I AM AN OPTIMIST post tomorrow, during the daytime. Because THIS IS ROUGH.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
Blog Every Day in January Day 3: The Common White Girl Tag
I want to start out by saying that I am writing this entry from my new iPad air that I got for Christmas, and if that doesn't make me a common white girl then I don't know WHAT does.
4. How many IG followers and pics do you have?
5. Do you ever say “LOL” or “OMG” out loud?
(Yes but I wish the answer was no)
6. Do you wear the same clothing item more than once?
I don't understand this question. Are you asking me if I like...burn my clothes after wearing them once? Is that what you common white girls do? You only wear every item of clothing in your closet once?? DO YOU REALIZE HOW WASTEFUL THAT IS. CHECK YOUR WHITE PRIVILEGE.
The vlogbrothers! Yes, my fingers are double jointed. Get over it.
14. How many times have you watched Mean Girls?
I'm a mouse...duh.
16. Do you take pictures of your food before you eat it?
Why would anyone ever do that.
20. Do you always look presentable?
Anyways, there's this tag that's been circulating around the internet called the "Common White Girl Tag" which is, presumably, for Common White Girls to answer. And obviously, I am not a Common White Girl, but I HAVE been told by a handful of people that they sometimes "forget that I am not white". I'm not sure what that says about me or my friends, but you know what? I have a right to do this tag! COMMON WHITE GIRL IS A STATUS YOU ACHIEVE, NOT SOMETHING YOU ARE BORN INTO.
For bonus points, I will be answering every question with a selfie taken from my new IPad air that I got for Christmas. HOW MUCH MORE COMMON AND WHITE CAN I GET?
1. Favorite Starbucks drink?
Or a "grasshopper" when it's not winter. You get the idea.
2. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
3. How many selfies do you take on a daily basis?
Lots.
2. How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
If we're talking shower, hair, AND makeup. In which case we are being very very ambitious. Today I took ten minutes, and my look today says "you're lucky I did the bare minimum of hygiene standards".
3. How many selfies do you take on a daily basis?
(Taking this selfie was intense and I had a brief existential crisis. AM I COMMON AND WHITE YET?)
4. How many IG followers and pics do you have?
5. Do you ever say “LOL” or “OMG” out loud?
6. Do you wear the same clothing item more than once?
Oh wait are you asking me if I wear clothes more than once before washing them? Yes, if they aren't dirty. Jeez why didn't you just say so.
7. Are you racist?
No look I'm eating very ethnic cuisine, obviously I am not racist.
8. How many tweets do you have?
9. Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr?
I'm not gonna lie, my tweets are HILARIOUS. I should be twitter famous. Except for the part where my account is private. Well...fame is relative.
10. What do you spend most of your time doing?
Sums it up.
11. Who are your favorite YouTubers?
7. Are you racist?
No look I'm eating very ethnic cuisine, obviously I am not racist.
8. How many tweets do you have?
9. Instagram, Twitter, or Tumblr?
10. What do you spend most of your time doing?
11. Who are your favorite YouTubers?
*ding* The artist formerly known as dailygrace aka Grace Helbig
And
The vlogbrothers! Yes, my fingers are double jointed. Get over it.
Those are my top two, but there's more than just those. I can't be takin' selfies all day JEEZ.
12. How often do you do your nails?
Not often
13. Are you a shopaholic?
What
13. Are you a shopaholic?
14. How many times have you watched Mean Girls?
(Lots)
(Yes.)
16. Do you take pictures of your food before you eat it?
17. Do you wear makeup everyday?
Obviously not
18. What are your average grades in school?
GOOD ENOUGH.
19. How do you usually style your hair?
Is "hot mess" an official hairstyle?
18. What are your average grades in school?
19. How do you usually style your hair?
20. Do you always look presentable?
So what's the verdict? Am I a common white girl??? Let me know!
Thursday, January 2, 2014
Blog Every Day in January Day 2: Things I Would Like to Do
Today I went to the movies and crossed off an item from my personal list of Things I Would Like to Do. The item being "Go to the movies by myself". It's a weird goal to have, but I've always wanted to go to the movies by myself because I'm always complaining to people that I never watch movies because I don't have anyone to watch movies with...which is stupid because watching a movie isn't really a social experience. It's just I get really self conscious when I go places by myself, and I know I'm not the only person that feels that way, but it really bothers me that I feel so awkward when I'm alone and I've been slowly trying to break out of that shell. Because I do actually enjoy doing some things on my own.
Anyways, the main point of me talking about going to the movies alone is that it was an item on my list of Things I Would Like to Do, which is not really an official list and is always a work in progress. It's kind of like a 30 by 30 list except the items on it aren't exciting or difficult to accomplish. Like "organize my makeup collection before February" isn't necessarily something that would make it onto a 30 by 30 list, but it is one of the more urgent items on my Things I Would Like to Do List. So here it is, the constantly changing and not-very-difficult-to-accomplish list of Things I Would Like to Do:
1.) Go to the movies by myself.
2.) Organize my makeup collection before February
3.) Make croissants from scratch even though it will literally take three days.
4.) Try all of the products from my Birchboxes from the past 6 months.
5.) Perfect giving myself a blowout.
6.) Read the A Song of Fire and Ice series, preferably before I graduate.
7.) Live on my own without relying on my parents for financial support.
8.) Get over my fear of making caramel based sauces.
9.) Own more teacups.
10.) Take a trip to the West Coast. Or several trips. Who knows.
12.) Take a trip on the East Coast. Shouldn't be too tough.
13.) Chicago sounds cool too.
14.) If we're talking about traveling, then yes, I would very much like to see Paris/FranceTheCountry and London/EnglandTheCountry. And I also want to go back to Vienna and Germany and Hungary and okay just a big ol' trip to Europe whatever this is my list I get to decide what's on it.
15.) Travel to the Philippines again now that I'm old enough to remember the experience.
16.) Find a bread recipe that is not ridiculous to make but also doesn't taste like hot water in bread form.
17.) Paint the shelves on my TV stand coral.
18.) Buy a big candle from Bath and Body Works.
19.) Put up some wall art in my bedroom at home.
20.) Clean the shitshow that is my desk at school. And the rest of the room while I'm at it.
21.) Go shopping in Kennett Square, PA and eat duck flatbread at Byrsa Bistro again.
22.) Start a vlog with my sister.
23.) Bake and decorate a nice cake. You may be surprised to know that this is something I have never done.
24.) Finish reading the Divergent series even if it's going to make me super mad and hate everything and everyone.
25.) Listen to more music in general.
26.) Make risotto.
27.) Find a better bronzer and blush. Like for my face.
28.) Perfect my Tortilla Española, which is currently a hot mess.
29.) Organize my wallet/receipts/cards. Yikes.
30.) Learn how to sew.
There is probably tons more where that came from, and things get crossed off and added all the time. I usually take winter break to accomplish some of the things on this list, but there are obviously a few things that will have to wait.
How about you? Do you have a 30 by 30 list or one like mine, or are you the type of person that just does things without putting them in list form?
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Blog Every Day in January (FOR REAL) Day 1: 2013 Recap and New Years Resolutions
OH WHAT A SURPRISE I'VE RETURNED TO BLOGGING AT THE START OF A NEW YEAR WOW MELANIE YOU'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN OH YOU'VE BEEN BUSY OKAY THAT'S FINE WELCOME BACK.
Okay okay, that's out of the way now and I can get to the real MEAT of this post.
The first day of the New Year is almost over, and it's been...a pretty normal day. New Years eve and day are usually a pretty big deal for me, because I spend time reflecting on the past year, then partying, then...recovering. But I didn't get a chance to reflect, I didn't party particularly hard (...I did help clean up pretty hard afterwards tho), and I didn't have much recovery time before going to socialize. So before I move forward and think about this new year, I think I'll take a moment to think about the old one.
I want to say that 2013 was a BIG YEAR for me, because a lot of really important events happened. But 2012 had a lot of important events, and so did 2011. I don't want to say that any of the important events from this past year were bigger than the ones that happened in the years before. So I guess 2013 was an average sized year for me. But yeah, some big stuff happened. At the beginning of the year I lost someone really important to me. My grandmother passed away in February, and it was a tough time for me. It was my first ever real experience with grief, and yeah, it was a big deal. I spent a lot of spring semester feeling the need to become someone that she would have been proud of. So I worked really hard academically and started to act a little bit more like the person I pictured myself being in the future. Along the way I managed to have a great semester. I went to Dallas with Chorale in March (right after turning 21!) and had a blast while also gaining some meaning musical experiences as I often do with Chorale. I finished my middle school practicum placement feeling really good about my future as a music teacher. At the end of May I felt really good about myself, and the good feelings carried through the summer, which was very productive--you can tell by the amount I blogged.
Fall was tougher. I fell off the blogging wagon (again) and got back on the build-a-healthy-lifestyle wagon...and fell of again. I also prepared a senior recital, which I was super proud of, but it also brought up some long hidden feelings of insecurity about my abilities as a musician. These insecurities seeped into my personal life and in my high school practicum experiences. I wasn't as confident anymore and I was letting it affect like...everything. As the year ended I slowly began to pick myself up again, and for me a new year is a fresh start, as it is for most people.
I kind of cringe internally when people complain that New Years resolutions are pointless and that people only follow their New Years Resolutions during the month of January and then spend the rest of the year doing whatever they want. Yeah, it happens. But fresh starts are so important. We get lots of opportunities throughout the year to take a fresh start, and New Years Resolutions are just one of those opportunities.
My resolutions for the upcoming year are:
1.) Be a healthy person.
2.) Tie up all my loose ends from 2013. Ooh thats cryptic. "WHAT LOOSE ENDS. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN." Wouldn't YOU like to know. Hehehe.
(Really I just need to get organized)
3.) Teach teach teach!! Find opportunities to teach, even if I have to make them myself.
4.) Spend more time connecting with friends near and far.
5.) Blog every day in January and then once a week for the REST OF THE YEAR (ha ha ha ha ha)
6.) Vlog more often. Thats all
7.) Read 50 books! I MEAN IT.
If today is any sort of preview for the upcoming year, then I'll take it. It feels good to surround myself with family and friends, and I hope that 2014 is full of good moments with special people.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, INTERNET.
Okay okay, that's out of the way now and I can get to the real MEAT of this post.
The first day of the New Year is almost over, and it's been...a pretty normal day. New Years eve and day are usually a pretty big deal for me, because I spend time reflecting on the past year, then partying, then...recovering. But I didn't get a chance to reflect, I didn't party particularly hard (...I did help clean up pretty hard afterwards tho), and I didn't have much recovery time before going to socialize. So before I move forward and think about this new year, I think I'll take a moment to think about the old one.
I want to say that 2013 was a BIG YEAR for me, because a lot of really important events happened. But 2012 had a lot of important events, and so did 2011. I don't want to say that any of the important events from this past year were bigger than the ones that happened in the years before. So I guess 2013 was an average sized year for me. But yeah, some big stuff happened. At the beginning of the year I lost someone really important to me. My grandmother passed away in February, and it was a tough time for me. It was my first ever real experience with grief, and yeah, it was a big deal. I spent a lot of spring semester feeling the need to become someone that she would have been proud of. So I worked really hard academically and started to act a little bit more like the person I pictured myself being in the future. Along the way I managed to have a great semester. I went to Dallas with Chorale in March (right after turning 21!) and had a blast while also gaining some meaning musical experiences as I often do with Chorale. I finished my middle school practicum placement feeling really good about my future as a music teacher. At the end of May I felt really good about myself, and the good feelings carried through the summer, which was very productive--you can tell by the amount I blogged.
Fall was tougher. I fell off the blogging wagon (again) and got back on the build-a-healthy-lifestyle wagon...and fell of again. I also prepared a senior recital, which I was super proud of, but it also brought up some long hidden feelings of insecurity about my abilities as a musician. These insecurities seeped into my personal life and in my high school practicum experiences. I wasn't as confident anymore and I was letting it affect like...everything. As the year ended I slowly began to pick myself up again, and for me a new year is a fresh start, as it is for most people.
I kind of cringe internally when people complain that New Years resolutions are pointless and that people only follow their New Years Resolutions during the month of January and then spend the rest of the year doing whatever they want. Yeah, it happens. But fresh starts are so important. We get lots of opportunities throughout the year to take a fresh start, and New Years Resolutions are just one of those opportunities.
My resolutions for the upcoming year are:
1.) Be a healthy person.
2.) Tie up all my loose ends from 2013. Ooh thats cryptic. "WHAT LOOSE ENDS. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN." Wouldn't YOU like to know. Hehehe.
(Really I just need to get organized)
3.) Teach teach teach!! Find opportunities to teach, even if I have to make them myself.
4.) Spend more time connecting with friends near and far.
5.) Blog every day in January and then once a week for the REST OF THE YEAR (ha ha ha ha ha)
6.) Vlog more often. Thats all
7.) Read 50 books! I MEAN IT.
If today is any sort of preview for the upcoming year, then I'll take it. It feels good to surround myself with family and friends, and I hope that 2014 is full of good moments with special people.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, INTERNET.
Saturday, October 19, 2013
October in October: A Quick List of To-Do's for Tomorrow
I still have two more things I want to talk about for my September recap, but since I have NATS tomorrow morning (it's a singing competition...but I didn't want to use those words because it sounds a lot more exciting than it actually is) and I have to wake up early, I figured I would take a quick break from last month and focus on what's going on this month. More specifically tomorrow.
1.) NATS. I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and attempt to look like a real person before heading over at 9:40 to register. Then I have to come back to my apartment to actually compose myself and BE a real person. Warm up, sing, wait, maybe sing again OR maybe not. My fingers are a little bit crossed that I wont make it to the finals, because as much as I would love for my ego to be stroked just once in one of these competitions, I do have a lot of other stuff I need to get done.
2.) Run some errands. Mainly I need to pick up a card to give my roommate JT for his senior recital, since I'm a polite human being. Also I might need some big ol' rubber gloves, because my shower drain is clogged and I am super grossed out by the idea of having to fix it. I think the rubber gloves might help me not vomit, because thinking about touching the shower stopper and potentially removing hair wrapped around it or plunging out a clog makes my gag reflex go OUTTA CONTROL. Maybe I can convince my landlord to do it?
3.) Sing in JT's recital! And also attend it.
4.) Laundry laundry laundry laundry. In the meantime, also clean the kitchen. And maybe the fridge. Another task I would prefer not to do without gloves. It's gonna be a WILD SATURDAY NIGHT WOOO.
And of course you can expect a blog post tomorrow night, which I will probably write as a way to avoid cleaning the kitchen!
1.) NATS. I need to wake up early to eat breakfast and attempt to look like a real person before heading over at 9:40 to register. Then I have to come back to my apartment to actually compose myself and BE a real person. Warm up, sing, wait, maybe sing again OR maybe not. My fingers are a little bit crossed that I wont make it to the finals, because as much as I would love for my ego to be stroked just once in one of these competitions, I do have a lot of other stuff I need to get done.
2.) Run some errands. Mainly I need to pick up a card to give my roommate JT for his senior recital, since I'm a polite human being. Also I might need some big ol' rubber gloves, because my shower drain is clogged and I am super grossed out by the idea of having to fix it. I think the rubber gloves might help me not vomit, because thinking about touching the shower stopper and potentially removing hair wrapped around it or plunging out a clog makes my gag reflex go OUTTA CONTROL. Maybe I can convince my landlord to do it?
3.) Sing in JT's recital! And also attend it.
4.) Laundry laundry laundry laundry. In the meantime, also clean the kitchen. And maybe the fridge. Another task I would prefer not to do without gloves. It's gonna be a WILD SATURDAY NIGHT WOOO.
And of course you can expect a blog post tomorrow night, which I will probably write as a way to avoid cleaning the kitchen!
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