(7/31 Edit: It didn't occur to me until TODAY, WEDNESDAY, TWO DAYS AFTER I POSTED THIS, that I did Transformation Tuesday on a Monday. Such is life.)
Not gonna lie, I was a prrrettttty awkward kid from ages like...8-15. Maybe even later than that.
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| BEHOLD 12 YEAR OLD MELANIE IN ALL HER FRIZZY-HAIRED, ACNE RIDDEN, CHUBBY CHEEKED, BRACE FACED, FOUR-EYED GLORY |
I was like...the poster child for adolescent awkwardness. Anything that could go wrong for a preteen girl went wrong for me. I was overweight, poorly dressed, I had braces and glasses, I had acne before seemingly everyone else, and my hair was a hot frizzy mess. I was definitely not Disney Channel material, that's for sure.
I hit puberty at a really young age, and I definitely felt a little bit alienated from other people. I felt a lot like I couldn't relate to others, so I overcompensated by being really loud and developing a weird sense of humor. There are certainly parts of myself and my personality that I don't let a lot of people see, and I attribute that to having a ton of insecurities as a kid. I think when you already feel like people aren't accepting you for who you are on the outside, you do a lot to protect who you are on the inside.
That's not to say that I'm a big fat faker when I'm around people or anything. I am loud, and I do have a weird sense of humor. Maybe I started being that way in order to shield myself, but they come from a real place that isn't afraid of what people see or think. Those parts of me were placed on the outside because they were the strongest, the parts most likely to win in a fight.
Anyways, I didn't wake up one morning and suddenly I wasn't awkward. I don't think it happens to anyone that way and if it does then don't tell me about it because I'll JUST FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF GOSH. I did eventually grow out of my awkward phase (which is not to say that I am no longer awkward. I'm just not the most awkward that I've ever been) gradually. My acne cleared up before everyone else's because it started earlier, and when the braces came off I had a nice smile--which is the point. I got used to wearing contact lenses and started to develop a personal sense of style. I grew out of all the things you expect an awkward preteen to grow out of.
When I was sixteen years old, I joined weight watchers and lost about 30 pounds and suddenly I wasn't so insecure about the way I looked.
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| What's up Smiles McGee? You look a little sad to me. |
Granted, I was still pretty awkward. I hadn't yet learned how to smile with just the top half of my teeth (FULL ON CHEESIN' LIKE :D IN PHOTOS), and I still made some questionable fashion choices. And my obnoxious levels reached all time highs, as they often do with high schoolers. Regardless, high school was a pretty good time for me. Not a time that I would ever return to, but not a time that I regret.
Looking back to my sixteen year old self, and reflecting on my struggles with weight and dieting, I remember never feeling good enough. Like yeah, I made it pretty far but I still had so much left to accomplish. But I never "accomplished" anything more than that. In fact, if I could be the weight that I was at sixteen then WOW let's just let out some freakin' hallelujahs or something. Since then I've been stuck in this uphill climb and I'm just waiting for the hill to crest and it never does.
My mom likes to do this thing where she finds pictures of me from when I was sixteen and say "WOW look how skinny you were, don't you want to look like that again!".
....
No. I don't want to look like a sixteen year old again. I don't want to go back to sixteen. I don't want to be sixteen year old Melanie all over again, with her sixteen year old issues and her weird sixteen year old sense of humor. I want to be twenty one year old Melanie who is happy with the person that she is. And I'm like...SO close to being that Melanie. There is so much in my life that I have accomplished that I am super proud of, and there are so many things I have to look forward to. I can't go back to sixteen, and I hate being stuck with this idea that Melanie from the past had it more together than Melanie from the present, just because she weighed less.
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| YEAH I CROPPED MY FRIENDS OUT. YOU GOT A PROBLEM?? |
I definitely still have a lot of insecurities, but I try my best not to wear them on my sleeve. If I've learned anything in the past twenty one years, it's that you can't let thing things you don't like about yourself hold you back. You either find something else positive to focus on, or you put up some kind of shield and hope that no one notices. At this point in my life, I am definitely focusing on the positives. I don't want to hide parts of myself like I used to, so instead I'm sharing the positives and hoping that people will look past what I fear are the negatives.
I think I do a pretty good job. I know there's a lot of work to do, and I know that I'm not perfect. I also know that I can't be afraid of that. Hopefully, one day, I will be able to embrace it.
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